35 INT. CEREMONY ROOM - DIMLY LIT
A satanic rock band PLAYS from the side stage in the
room.
The room is crowded with people draped in robes.
Lambkin lies on an altar.
Quatloo and Phelps stand with Enditall the Witch and
Evil Ed.
QUATLOO
I want to thank you, Enditall, for your
help in preparing this sacrifice ritual.
ENDITALL THE WITCH
Fuck you, asshole! I'm only doing it
because of your threats. I know you
can have me burned like you did my
sisters!
QUATLOO
Okay. Well. I want to thank you, Evil
Ed for your help.
EVIL ED
My only goal in life is to spread the
darkness of evil throughout the
world! I must thank you for your
financial assistance in my quest.
QUATLOO
As soon as my other guests arrive
from Hell's Pass Hospital, we can
begin the ritual and call up the Grim
Reaper.
EVIL ED
Why not call up Satan himself?
QUATLOO
Well, that might be nice. But I have
some business to discuss with this
Grimmy as they call him.
EVIL ED
Grimmy? That nickname makes him
sound so benign.
QUATLOO
Perhaps, but after all, he is just
doing his job, you know.
EVIL ED
I just hope that Satan comes.
PHELPS
Oh, speaking of the devil! Here
comes our guests now!
Snewgflo, Schitz and Vinnie come into the room
wearing satanic robes.
VINNIE BARBARINO
Why do we have to wear these
gowns! They're awfully hot!
DR. SCHITZ
Reminds me of my graduation.
SNEWGFLO
Yeah! Don't we get flat caps with
tassels?
VINNIE BARBARINO
Hey, will I finally get a diploma?
QUATLOO
That's enough, guys! Evil Ed! Start
the ceremony!
Evil Ed goes behind the altar table and picks up a
meat cleaver and a carving knife, raising them in the
air above his head.
He mumbles unintelligible words along with the
music.
VINNIE BARBARINO
Is that the Death Cheese Band?
PHELPS
No, they are bad, but not that bad!
EVIL ED
I call upon our Lord Satan to release
The Grim Reaper for to come forth
unto us!
VINNIE BARBARINO
Oh, no. Not that guy again.
QUATLOO
Will you shut it up, Vinnie!
VINNIE BARBARINO
Sure, boss. Mind if I go take a shit?
QUATLOO
Go ahead! Maybe we can get
something done without your
flapping mouth!
Vinnie goes into the rest room.
Evil Ed holds the meat cleaver against Lambkin's
neck.
PHELPS
I don't think I can watch this. I'm a
vegetarian, you know.
Phelps hides his eyes.
Suddenly the music stops.
Grimmy comes through the door and pushes Evil Ed
away from Lambkin.
Behind him, Jesus Ramirez enters.
The crowd makes "oooo's" and "ahhhh's" sounds.
JESUS RAMIREZ
Hi guys. What's up, dudes?
The crowd boos at Jesus.
EVIL ED
No! I was hoping for Satan to come!
Not you!
The crowd backs away from Jesus.
Grimmy protects Lambkin.
GRIM REAPER
This is my child!
(pauses)
Well, I think. Could be. Maybe.
DR. SCHITZ
Lambkin isn't your baby, Grimmy. I
checked my files.
(holds out file)
Lammy was already pregnant when
she died and went to hell, then got
her death sentence reversed and
was brought back to life.
GRIM REAPER
Oh. Are you sure, doc?
DR. SCHITZ
Positive. Read the report yourself.
GRIM REAPER
Oh, guess I was wrong. Well, wonder
about your nurse. Maybe she would
like to have my baby.
(softly to Jesus)
Let's go Jesus Ramirez.
DR. SCHITZ
Better watch what you wish for, you
just might get it!
Grimmy leaves the room.
JESUS RAMIREZ
See you all later!
The crowd hisses and boos as Jesus leaves.
PHELPS
They think that janitor is the Lord.
QUATLOO
Well, that ends that plan. So let's go
on with plan B. Evil Ed, drain the
blood from Lambkin!
PHELPS
Plan B? There's no plan B.
QUATLOO
Shut it up, Phelps!
The band begins playing again as Evil Ed steps back
to the altar table and holds the blades over Lambkin.
