Screenplay - SCENE 35

35 INT. CEREMONY ROOM - DIMLY LIT

A satanic rock band PLAYS from the side stage in the
room.

The room is crowded with people draped in robes.

Lambkin lies on an altar.

Quatloo and Phelps stand with Enditall the Witch and
Evil Ed.

QUATLOO
I want to thank you, Enditall, for your
help in preparing this sacrifice ritual.

ENDITALL THE WITCH
Fuck you, asshole! I'm only doing it
because of your threats. I know you
can have me burned like you did my
sisters!

QUATLOO
Okay. Well. I want to thank you, Evil
Ed for your help.

EVIL ED
My only goal in life is to spread the
darkness of evil throughout the
world! I must thank you for your
financial assistance in my quest.

QUATLOO
As soon as my other guests arrive
from Hell's Pass Hospital, we can
begin the ritual and call up the Grim
Reaper.

EVIL ED
Why not call up Satan himself?

QUATLOO
Well, that might be nice. But I have
some business to discuss with this
Grimmy as they call him.

EVIL ED
Grimmy? That nickname makes him
sound so benign.

QUATLOO
Perhaps, but after all, he is just
doing his job, you know.

EVIL ED
I just hope that Satan comes.

PHELPS
Oh, speaking of the devil! Here
comes our guests now!

Snewgflo, Schitz and Vinnie come into the room
wearing satanic robes.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Why do we have to wear these
gowns! They're awfully hot!

DR. SCHITZ
Reminds me of my graduation.

SNEWGFLO
Yeah! Don't we get flat caps with
tassels?

VINNIE BARBARINO
Hey, will I finally get a diploma?

QUATLOO
That's enough, guys! Evil Ed! Start
the ceremony!

Evil Ed goes behind the altar table and picks up a
meat cleaver and a carving knife, raising them in the
air above his head.

He mumbles unintelligible words along with the
music.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Is that the Death Cheese Band?

PHELPS
No, they are bad, but not that bad!

EVIL ED
I call upon our Lord Satan to release
The Grim Reaper for to come forth
unto us!

VINNIE BARBARINO
Oh, no. Not that guy again.

QUATLOO
Will you shut it up, Vinnie!

VINNIE BARBARINO
Sure, boss. Mind if I go take a shit?

QUATLOO
Go ahead! Maybe we can get
something done without your
flapping mouth!

Vinnie goes into the rest room.

Evil Ed holds the meat cleaver against Lambkin's
neck.

PHELPS
I don't think I can watch this. I'm a
vegetarian, you know.

Phelps hides his eyes.

Suddenly the music stops.

Grimmy comes through the door and pushes Evil Ed
away from Lambkin.

Behind him, Jesus Ramirez enters.

The crowd makes "oooo's" and "ahhhh's" sounds.

JESUS RAMIREZ
Hi guys. What's up, dudes?

The crowd boos at Jesus.

EVIL ED
No! I was hoping for Satan to come!
Not you!

The crowd backs away from Jesus.

Grimmy protects Lambkin.

GRIM REAPER
This is my child!
(pauses)
Well, I think. Could be. Maybe.

DR. SCHITZ
Lambkin isn't your baby, Grimmy. I
checked my files.
(holds out file)
Lammy was already pregnant when
she died and went to hell, then got
her death sentence reversed and
was brought back to life.

GRIM REAPER
Oh. Are you sure, doc?

DR. SCHITZ
Positive. Read the report yourself.

GRIM REAPER
Oh, guess I was wrong. Well, wonder
about your nurse. Maybe she would
like to have my baby.
(softly to Jesus)
Let's go Jesus Ramirez.

DR. SCHITZ
Better watch what you wish for, you
just might get it!

Grimmy leaves the room.

JESUS RAMIREZ
See you all later!

The crowd hisses and boos as Jesus leaves.

PHELPS
They think that janitor is the Lord.

QUATLOO
Well, that ends that plan. So let's go
on with plan B. Evil Ed, drain the
blood from Lambkin!

PHELPS
Plan B? There's no plan B.

QUATLOO
Shut it up, Phelps!

The band begins playing again as Evil Ed steps back
to the altar table and holds the blades over Lambkin.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 34

34 EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - MORNING

FADE IN.

Henry, Murry, Norvis and Reptile stare at building.

A helicopter takes off from the roof.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, those naughty guys! They're
getting away!

HASHISH HENRY
That's not our problem now. We have
to get in there and save Lammy from
that machine she is in.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh. Hey, girlfriend, Lammy! We're
coming!

NERVOUS NORVIS
How can we get in that place?
There's bars on the windows and the
door is metal. Ah, those kind of bars
make me so nervous.

Henry grips the doorknob and jerks on it.

RED QUEEN
(computer voice)
The doors have been secured.
Please, give the password.

Henry looks above the door and sees a camera with a
red light.

HASHISH HENRY
Who the hell are you?

RED QUEEN
I am the Red Queen. I am the
security computer.

MURRY MAGDALENE
A talking computer! Do like Captain
Kirk does, and talk riddles to it and
make the girlfriend computer crash!

HASHISH HENRY
Computer. I forgot my password.

RED QUEEN
Give me your email address and if it
matches our data files, then we will
send you your password.

HASHISH HENRY
This isn't going to work.
(looks at pine tree)
I have a better idea.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Yes. Pray for the Lord to come back.

HASHISH HENRY
We could bend that tree trunk back
and let someone sit at the tip, then
when we let go, it will shoot them up
onto the roof like a catapult.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Great idea. But, oh, you silly boy.
Who's going to get shot way way up
there?

HASHISH HENRY
Thanks for volunteering, Murry!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Huh?

The men grab the trunk of the fern or pine tree and
pull its trunk back until the top is near the ground.

Murry hesitantly sits on the trunk.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh. Aren't you nervous, my darling? I
sure am!

HASHISH HENRY
Now when you land on the roof, go in
and come down to let us in. Doors
always are unlocked from the inside.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I'll be praying for you.

MURRY MAGDALENE
But you little boys better not be
looking up my skirt!

They let go of the trunk and the tree flips back up,
slinging Murry into the side of the building.

Murry manages to grip the edge of the flat roof with
his fingers and dangles.

HASHISH HENRY
Well, that didn't work very well.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Holy shit! Get him down. That is a
disgusting view!

Norvis looks up at Murry kicking his legs.

NERVOUS NORVIS
What do you mean?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
You can see up his dress, and he has
no panties.

NERVOUS NORVIS
That's strange. Looks sort of funny
up her dress. What is that?

HASHISH HENRY
That's called a penis.

Norvis begins to shake more than ever and falls back
on the ground and wiggles and flops like a fish out of
water.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Dear Lord! We need you more than
ever!

HASHISH HENRY
What else can happen?

An alert siren begins to sound.

RED QUEEN
Alert! Alert! Intruders detected.
Remove yourselves from the
property immediately.

HASHISH HENRY
And if we don't?

RED QUEEN
A gas will be released.

HASHISH HENRY
What kind of gas?

RED QUEEN
A gas that Snewgflo invented. It is a
form of laughing gas that will make
you laugh so hard that you will
eventually fall to the ground and roll,
then pass out.

HASHISH HENRY
A kind of laughing gas?

A HISSING SOUND.

Steam or gas comes from small holes on the wall of
the building.

The men all begin laughing hysterically.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 33

Lammy finally finds her sister, Lula

33 EXT. BEAUTIFUL MEADOW - DAY

Lammy and Gary the Axolotl walk as the wind softly
blows. Several small fairies fly randomly.

LAMMY
It's so beautiful here!

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Nice. But where oh where are we?

Lammy looks all around and shoos away little fairies.

LAMMY
I don't know what this place is. All I
remember is climbing in the
machine.
(holds hands to face)
Oh! This is some alternative
dimension of some kind. We're in
one of Prof. Snewgflo's weird
machines.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Like, we're in the Twilight Zone?
Like that? Like the Twilight Zone?
Huh?

They see someone far in the distance.

LAMMY
Look! There's someone coming this
way!

GARY THE AXOLOTL
And she looks like a red head, she
has red hair like you!

Lammy stares down at the little salamander.

LAMMY
How do you know I was a red head
before I got this sheep head?

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Well, I looked up while you were
giving me a golden shower. Oh, I
love it! I love a golden shower, yes I
do!

LAMMY
That's embarrassing!

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Nice bare ass. And your red hair is
pretty, very lovely. Yes it is!

LAMMY
Thank you.

They watch as the girl gets closer.

She begins to run with her hands spread out.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
She seems to know you. Yes, she
knows you!

LAMMY
It's my sister! Lula!

Lammy begins to run toward Lula with her arms
spread.

SLOW MOTION AS THEY RUN TOWARD EACH
OTHER.

They hug each other and cry for joy.

LULA
Oh, Lammy!

LAMMY
Lula! I missed you so much!

LULA
It's been a long fuck'n time!

LAMMY
I thought I'd never see you again.

LULA
The bastards stuck my ass in here
over a fuck'n year ago!

LAMMY
I'm so excited!

LULA
So am I. We have a lot of shit to
catch up on!

LAMMY
I'm so excited I have to pee!

LULA
Me, too. I got to piss a river, too!

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Oh boy! I get a double golden
shower! Oh boy oh boy! Two at
once!

LULA
What is that little slimy fucker?

LAMMY
It's just Gary the Axolotl. A
salamander.

LULA
Well, shit! You always liked fuck'n
strange pets!

Lammy shoos little fairies away.

LAMMY
Speaking of strange pets! What are
these?

LULA
Just the fuck'n fairies. You'll get
used to them.

The girls step behind a bush and Gary hops excitedly
along with them.

SOUNDS OF PISSING.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Weeeeeeeee! Weeeeee!

FADE OUT.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 32

32 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - NIGHT

FADE IN.

Vinnie and Snewgflo rush into the lab.

Dr. Schitz and Violent are standing with Kudzu and
Sexxi, now back together.

Kudzu's head is on the body with the police uniform
and Sexxi's head is on Kudzu's body.

OFFICER SEXXI
(points to Vinnie)
Where's my gun? That man is
wanted!

VINNIE BARBARINO
Huh? What's going on here?

FLOWERING KUDZU
(rubs neck)
My neck sure hurts.

DR. SCHITZ
I had to sew your heads back on.

NURSE VIOLENT
But you put the heads on the wrong
bodies!
(laughs)
Want me to chop them off again!

DR. SCHITZ
No. Just take them in the other room
and let them switch clothes. No one
will notice. Turn a bitch on her head,
and they all look alike!

Violent leads the girls into another room.

SNEWGFLO
Guess what, doc! I found Jesus!

DR. SCHITZ
I didn't know he was lost. Besides, I
thought you were a scientist.

VINNIE BARBARINO
And the Grim Reaper was out there!

DR. SCHITZ
Oh, he is looking for Lammy's baby,
Lambkin.

Schitz goes to a file cabinet and pulls a file marked
"Lammy" and examines it.

VINNIE BARBARINO
The baby is at Mr. Quatloo's.

DR. SCHITZ
Um. That reminds me. He wants us
all to go over there for some party,
or ceremony today.

SNEWGFLO
What's he going to do?

DR. SCHITZ
Don't know. Did you get rid of Henry?

Vinnie and Snewgflo look at each other in silence.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Oh. Well. You see. He got away.

SNEWGFLO
There are several nut cases out
there trying to rescue him and that
sheep head bitch.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Where is Lammy now?

DR. SCHITZ
(nods at machine)
She's in that contraption Snewgflo
made.

They all stare at the CAT Scan looking machine that
is roaring.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Can she get out?

SNEWGFLO
Not until we turn it off.
(grins)
And after an hour, she will never be
able to return from an alternative
dimension.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Is that the machine where you put
her sister, Lula, that I kidnapped?

SNEWGFLO
They'll both be gone forever!

DR. SCHITZ
Come on, guys. Let's get to the
helicopter on the roof and head on
over to Quatloo's place.

VINNIE BARBARINO
But what about the guys outside?
They are trying to get in here to
rescue Lammy.

SNEWGFLO
Don't worry about them. We have
plenty of automated security
devices. I invented them myself!

They go out of the door.

Camera focuses on roaring machine.

DISSOLVE TO:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 31

31 INT. BOARDROOM - MORNING

FADE IN.

Quatloo is putting on a fancy robe with many satanic
symbols on it.

Freddy Phelps enters and stares at him.

PHELPS
What the hell is that get-up?

QUATLOO
It's called a ritual robe.

PHELPS
You preparing for a Halloween Party,
like on your birthday?

Quatloo opens a box and tosses Phelps a robe.

QUATLOO
Put that on.

PHELPS
Why?

QUATLOO
We're having a ceremonial sacrifice.

Phelps examines his robe.

PHELPS
Have you joined a Satanic Cult?

QUATLOO
I just asked some people to come in
and help me with the blood-letting.

PHELPS
Blood-letting?

QUATLOO
Yes. They are going to remove the
blood from the little lamb. The
Lambkin.

PHELPS
You're going to kill the baby?

QUATLOO
We might have to. One way or the
other, I am going to gain eternal life!

PHELPS
You mean through Lambkin's blood?

QUATLOO
If it becomes necessary, then I will
have to go through with it. But I may
persuade the Grim Reaper to give me
an exemption from Death if he really
desires his baby.

PHELPS
You mean that you're going to
blackmail Grimmy to let you live
forever?

QUATLOO
It worked with everyone else so far.
They all succumb to my intimidation.
And if he refuses, then I'll drain the
blood from the baby and discover its
properties. I shall have eternal life
one way or the other!

PHELPS
You're a...

QUATLOO
Don't say it. You know what can
happen to you if you go against me!
Now put that on and let's go to the
ceremonial room we have prepared
for Lambkin.

FADE OUT:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 30

30 EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Snewgflo and Vinnie are pushing Henry in a
wheelchair to Vinnie's van.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Hey. It looks like we got company.

Murry, Norvis and Reptile are running up the lane
toward them.

SNEWGFLO
Those pests! You have a real gun,
Vinnie?

Vinnie pulls out his gun and points it at the three.

They stop and look at each other.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh. He has a big ole gun!

VINNIE BARBARINO
(winks at Murry)
You better believe it, you sexy thing!

MURRY MAGDALENE
(winks back)
Oh, you flirt, you!

NERVOUS NORVIS
Maybe we should have planned this
better, like maybe coming in at
different directions.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
We should have prayed harder!

Reptile falls to his knees and folds his hands.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Kind of late now, Reptile.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
It's never too late to pray! Lord come
and help us!

Jesus walks out from around the corner of the
building.

Vinnie and Snewgflo look at each other in
amazement.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Could it be?

SNEWGFLO
I don't believe this!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!

VINNIE BARBARINO
(points gun at Jesus)
We'll see.

Then Grimmy comes from around the corner and
stands by Jesus.

Vinnie lowers his gun and looks at Snewgflo.

SNEWGFLO
What does he want?

GRIM REAPER
Who has Lambkin?

SNEWGFLO
(shrugs)
Don't know anything about that.

VINNIE BARBARINO
(holds up his hand)
Oh, I think I know. It's that baby that
belongs to Lammy. I saw the
plumber, Dr. Fraud, taking it to Mr.
Quatloo when I was leaving.

GRIM REAPER
Quatloo has my child?

SNEWGFLO
Your child? I thought maybe I was
the father of Lammy's baby.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Me, too. I thought I was the papa.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Me, too. I thought I was the one who
got her pregnant.

NERVOUS NORVIS
(to Murry)
Oh, you silly girl. How can one girl,
like you, get another girl pregnant?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Hey, Jesus! Forgive these
fornicators!

JESUS RAMIREZ
But I thought I might have been the
daddy of Lammy's baby.

MURRY MAGDALENE
(whispers to Norvis)
That's Jesus Ramirez, the school
janitor.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm getting too nervous!

Norvis falls to the ground and begins to wiggle.

SNEWGFLO
This is too weird.

VINNIE BARBARINO
Yeah. Let's get back inside!

Snewgflo and Vinnie run back inside the hospital.

Murry unties Henry.

HASHISH HENRY
Thanks, Murry. But we have to get in
there and save Lammy.

GRIM REAPER
But I want my baby.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Well, don't just weep, Reaper! How
do you know it's yours?

GRIM REAPER
I don't really. I was just sort of
hoping.

JESUS RAMIREZ
Oh Dear Father in Heaven! I think
Norbert the Narc is coming! Got to
get out of here! Grimmy, let's go
over to Quatloo's place and check
out that baby Lambkin.

Grimmy and Jesus leave in a rush.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Praise the Lord!

HASHISH HENRY
Now let's make a real plan to save
Lammy!

FADE OUT.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 29

Rev. Jimmy Reptile, Murry Magdalene and Nervous Norvis

29 EXT. DANTE'S PARK - NIGHT

FADE IN.

Norvis and Murry hug each other and kiss as Rev.
Jimmy Reptile paces by Henry's car.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Hey, look! Someone is coming out of
the hospital!

They all stare across the road.

MURRY MAGDALENE
They're pushing someone in a
wheelchair.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
It looks like Henry! It is Henry! They
got him again!

NERVOUS NORVIS
This is making me so nervous!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Let us pray!

MURRY MAGDALENE
That's the green dude pushing him.
Who's that cute fellow with him?
Wow. He's a hunk-a hunk of love!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I think it's Vinnie the sinner! He
needs a lot of prayers!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Shouldn't we rescue poor little
Henry?

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm too nervous right now!

Norvis falls to the ground and wiggles.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I'll pray for him.

Reptile gets on his knees and prays.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Maybe I should just stroll on back to
the cemetery and get Wolfie and
Nossy to go save him.

NERVOUS NORVIS
(screams)
Oh no! Werewolves and Vampires
make me so nervous!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Okay, sweets. But since Henry won't
be needing his car right now, why
don't we climb in the back seat, and
you know.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'd like to. But I'm so nervous right
now. I don't know if I could do
anything when I'm nervous like this.

MURRY MAGDALENE
I'll relax you really real good.

Murry bends down and kisses Norvis.

Reptile jumps up and bends over puking.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I don't think I can stand this. I'd
rather take my chances trying to
save Henry. Those guys are going to
have him for lunch if we don't do
something fast!

MURRY MAGDALENE
There are two of them and only three
of us. Do you think we have a
chance?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Probably not. But maybe the Lord
will help us!

They lift Norvis to his feet and head across the road
toward the hospital.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm just so very very nervous!

DISSOLVE TO:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 28

Lammy and Gary the Axolotl

28 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - NIGHT

FADE IN.

Schitz enters the lab to see Lammy next to Henry
who is pointing the stun gun at Snewgflo.

Schitz walks over by Snewgflo and they sit on a
couch.

LAMMY
Henry! Guess what!

HASHISH HENRY
What, Lammy?

LAMMY
I have to pee.

HASHISH HENRY
Well, go pee.

LAMMY
Where's the rest room?

Henry looks at Schitz.

DR. SCHITZ
Down at the end of the hall.

LAMMY
But I don't want to go by myself.
Can't I just piss behind the machine?

SNEWGFLO
Please don't piss in here! I am
allergic to urine!

LAMMY
But I'm scared to go out there by
myself.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
(tiny voice)
Here! Here! In here!

They see a small salamander on the CAT scan
looking machine.

He is motioning Lammy to crawl inside.

LAMMY
Yeah! I could climb inside that
machine and pee.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Yes! Yes! Come inside! Give me a
golden shower!

LAMMY
He likes to be pissed on, you know.

HASHISH HENRY
If you don't, then he will be pissed
off.

LAMMY
Huh?

HASHISH HENRY
Never mind.

LAMMY
But I have to pee really really bad!

HASHISH HENRY
Well, go ahead!

SNEWGFLO
Yes. Go inside my machine!

LAMMY
You sure it's okay? It won't bother
you or make you sick or nothing if I
pee in it?

SNEWGFLO
The machine will take you to another
dimension, far far away. It won't
bother me there.

LAMMY
Can I get back out?

SNEWGFLO
Sure. Go on in. If you got to go, you
got to go.

LAMMY
And I really got to go.

HASHISH HENRY
Then go already!

LAMMY
I'm going already!

Lammy then crawls up on the cot and follows Axolotl
into the small opening of the machine.

The door opens and Vinnie enters the lab.

Snewgflo and Schitz stand up and walk on either side
of Henry.

He waves the gun back and forth toward each of
them.

They then grab him and he drops the gun. It slides
under the machine.

They force him back into the wheelchair and tie him.

SNEWGFLO
Now to get rid of the Lamb girl!

Snewgflo flips on the machine and it begins to roar.

HASHISH HENRY
Stop! What are you doing to Lammy!

Lammy screams.

GARY THE AXOLOTL
Ohhhhh! A really big golden shower!
What a gusher! Weeeeee!

HASHISH HENRY
Can they get back out?

SNEWGFLO
Not after an hour. Then they're stuck
forever in there!

The guys laugh as Henry struggles.

DR. SCHITZ
I have a couple girls to sew up. Why
don't you two take this guy and get
him out of our way.

VINNIE BARBARINO
That head of his makes me hungry!

Vinnie and Snewgflo roll Henry out of the lab as
Schitz goes to his operating room.

FADE OUT.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 27

27 INT. DR. SCHITZ OFFICE - NIGHT

FADE IN.

Officer Sexxi's flashlight beam cuts through the
darkness like a waving sword.

The light shows the busted computer screen.

The light shows the telephone on the floor.

There is MOANING SOUNDS.

On the desk, the spot of light reveals Kudzu's legs,
then her body, and then her missing head.

OFFICER SEXXI
Hey! What is this! You certainly are
not the one that was moaning in
here!

VOICE
(off screen)
Now who the hell is it?

The beam from the flashlight spins all around the
dark room.

OFFICER SEXXI
Who said that? Who said that! Who?
Who? Who?

VOICE(OS)
Your feet don't fit no limb! And
you're certainly not an owl because
you can't see in the dark!

OFFICER SEXXI
Who's talking?

The spot of light shines down into the trash can and
Kudzu's eyes glow as they stare up.

Officer Sexxi screams as she steps back and the
beam of light shines on the face of Nurse Violent.

The flashlight falls and we see flashes of light from
the large knife swinging around.

We hear SLASHING SOUNDS AND SPURTING.

The room lightens up.

Dr. Schitz is standing by the light switch.

DR. SCHITZ
You did it again, Nurse.

NURSE VIOLENT
I did a bad?

DR. SCHITZ
Very bad. This time it was a cop.

NURSE VIOLENT
My bad!

They stare at Sexxi as she stands with a stupid
expression on her face.

Then her head suddenly falls off her shoulders.

Her head falls into the trash can with Kudzu's head.

DR. SCHITZ
Uh, oh. Here he comes again.

They look over toward the window.

Grimmy comes floating in.

GRIM REAPER
Did someone die here?

DR. SCHITZ
Yes. Her.

Schitz points, then touches Sexxi with his finger and
her bloody, headless body finally falls.

GRIM REAPER
That's a cop!

DR. SCHITZ
So?

GRIM REAPER
Cops don't have souls.

Grimmy turns and floats back out of the window.

Schitz picks up the trash can with the heads in it and
hands it to Violent.

DR. SCHITZ
Take these, and the bodies into my
operating room. I'll stitch them back
together in a little while.

NURSE VIOLENT
Okay. But what are you going to do
now?

DR. SCHITZ
I have to go see what Prof. Snewgflo
wanted, remember.

NURSE VIOLENT
Oh, yeah. My bad.

Violent takes the can and goes through a side door
as Schitz goes into the hall.

Violent rolls a gurney into the office and begins
lifting the bodies onto it.

FADE OUT.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 26

Dr. Fraud, Quatloo and Lambkin

26 INT. BOARD ROOM - NIGHT

FADE IN

Quatloo and Vinnie stand in front of the TV.

VINNIE BARBARINO
I sure don't know what's wrong with
it, boss.

QUATLOO
Something must have happened to
Kudzu's necklace camera.

VINNIE BARBARINO
That ends your reality TV show.

QUATLOO
I think you better go to the hospital
and check it out.

Vinnie stands and walks to the door and opens it.

Freddy Phelps enters carrying a bottle of red liquid.
Vinnie leaves.

PHELPS
Here you go, Mr. Quatloo.

QUATLOO
What is that?

PHELPS
It's the blood you wanted Nossy the
vampire to suck from the Sheep head
girl.

QUATLOO
Oh. Sit it down there. We can use it
to analyze her blood if she gets away
from Snewgflo and Schitz at the
hospital. There might be something I
can use in her DNA if she was dead
and now lives. Something that could
help me to live forever!

PHELPS
And we have something that might
even be better than her blood!

QUATLOO
Oh, yeah? What could that be?

Phelps motions at the door and DR. FRAUD enters.

PHELPS
This is Dr. Fraud. The plumber that
acts like a psychiatrist.

Fraud is carrying Lambkin, Lammy's baby which also
has a lamb head.

Quatloo stands in amazement.

DR. FRAUD
This should be worth a lot of money
to you.

PHELPS
To top it all, they say the Grim
Reaper is the baby's father!

Quatloo jumps back.

QUATLOO
The Grim Reaper's baby! But he is
Death! I want to find eternal life! Not
eternal death!

DR. FRAUD
But just think, Mr. Quatloo. The
Reaper deals with death, but in this
case...
(he motions at the baby)
...he has given life!

PHELPS
Yeah! Death has given life! That
must mean something!

Quatloo walks closer to the child and examines it.

QUATLOO
Very interesting situation. Death
giving Life. How quaint. We'll have to
have Dr. Schitz check the baby's
DNA. There just might be something
in it to give me eternal life!

DR. FRAUD
Then you will buy the baby? Lammy
and Grimmy's child?

QUATLOO
Yes! Yes! Phelps! Pay the man what
he wants!
(picks up Lambkin)
Oh, and Dr. Fraud. My toilet is
stopped up, could you fix it on your
way out.

FADE OUT

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 25

Henry and Lammy

25 - INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - NIGHT

FADE IN.

Lammy wakes up first, sees Henry and rushes to him
in his wheelchair.

LAMMY
Henry! Are you all right now? Wake
up! Wake up!

Henry slowly regains consciousness.

HASHISH HENRY
Oh, my beautiful little lamb!

They embrace and kiss around for a moment, then
hear Norvis groaning as he awakes.

Henry then notices Snewgflo moving, so he quickly
grabs the stun gun.

They all stand and shake and stretch and yawn and
all the things we do when we wake up.

SNEWGFLO
The cops are coming!

Snewgflo points to a security monitor in the corner
that shows Officer Sexxi coming up the stairs with
Reptile and Murry.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Murry!

HASHISH HENRY
You really love Murry?

NERVOUS NORVIS
My girlfriend! What have they done to
her! They got her handcuffed to that
preacher guy! I've got to go rescue
my honey!

LAMMY
Ya, like a hero or something.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Well. I can be a man, sometimes.

LAMMY
The only time you're a man is when
you stand to pee.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Well, actually, uh. I sit down when I
pee. You know. I am a bit shaky and,
you know.

HASHISH HENRY
Like when you tried to aim the gun.

LAMMY
Like when you tried to screw me!
You couldn't hit the hole!

HASHISH HENRY
And it has hair around it!

NERVOUS NORVIS
Huh? Oh! That joke again! But that
reminds me...
(looks at TV screen)
...How can we get the handcuffs off
them?

Snewgflo then pulls out the handcuff key and gives it
to Norvis.

HASHISH HENRY
You're not such a bad guy after all,
Professor.

SNEWGFLO
Just doing my job.

They watch the security TV as Sexxi stops in the
hall.

CUT TO HALLWAY.

Sexxi looks at the door to Dr. Schitz Office.

She puts her ear close to it.

OFFICER SEXXI
I can hear moaning in there!
Someone is in trouble. You guys stay
right there, I'm going in to
investigate.

Sexxi pushes the door open and enters.

The door closer causes the door to slam behind her.

CUT TO THE LAB.

HASHISH HENRY
Now, Norvis. Go rescue your friend
while the cop is in the office! Take
them to my car across the street in
Dante's Park.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm really nervous right now.

HASHISH HENRY
Go! Quick before she comes out!

Norvis goes out of the door.

CUT TO HALLWAY

Norvis rushes up to Murry and Reptile.

He tries to stick the key in the handcuff lock, but his
hands shake and he keeps missing the hole.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I can't hit the hole!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Put some hair around it.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I have trouble even then!

Murry takes the key from Norvis and unlocks the
cuffs.

They head down the stairs.

FADE OUT

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 24

Grimmy, Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent with Kudzu's head.

24 - INT. DR. SCHITZ OFFICE - NIGHT

FADE IN:

Camera pans the messy and bloody office.

GROANING SOUNDS OFF-SCREEN

Stop at window as a figure enters through it.

It is Grimmy, the Grim Reaper, floating in.

GRIM REAPER
Somebody die here?

Grimmy looks down and sees Dr. Schitz on top of
Nurse Violent.

Grimmy clears his throat loudly as to get their
attention.

They continue kissing between moans.

Grimmy again makes the throat clearing sound.

No response.

Grimmy raises his sharp pointed sickle.

He clears his throat one more time.

No response.

Grimmy swings the blade downward, striking Dr.
Schitz in the butt.

Schitz leaps to his feet, pulling up his pants.

DR. SCHITZ
What the hell!

GRIM REAPER
Where is her soul?

Grimmy points to the headless body on the desk.

DR. SCHITZ
Here!

He pulls Kudzu's head, dripping blood, from the trash
can and offers it to Grimmy.

GRIM REAPER
No. Not her head, you asshole! I
came for her soul!

Schitz drops the head.

NURSE VIOLENT
(getting up)
What's going on... Oh. My hero! I've
always wanted to meet you, sir!

She smiles an evil smile and offers her hand to
Grimmy to shake.

GRIM REAPER
You will, in due time.
(laughs)
Everyone does!

DR. SCHITZ
Kudzu doesn't have a soul. She's
rich. Rich people don't have souls!

GRIM REAPER
(to Violent)
I always wanted a daughter like you.
As a matter of fact...

NURSE VIOLENT
(smiling)
You want to adopt me?

GRIM REAPER
No. Not at all.
(looks at Schitz)
I do have a daughter, don't I Dr.
Schitz?

DR. SCHITZ
What do you mean?

GRIM REAPER
I mean Lammy's little Lambkin! You
know what I mean!

DR. SCHITZ
No. No I don't. I just know she was
already pregnant when she came to
me.

GRIM REAPER
What did you do to my child?

DR. SCHITZ
Nothing. I just implanted another
child in Lammy with it. I didn't think
anyone would realize what I did
since she was already going to have
her own child.

GRIM REAPER
You used her as a surro-"goat"
mother for your own kid. But what
happened to her kid? Her Lambkin?

DR. SCHITZ
Hell if I know. The last I heard was
that the plumber, Dr. Fraud,
convinced her that Lambkin wasn't
real, and when she left, he took off
with Lambkin. I have no idea what
he did with that child. I just know I
have my child that I implanted.
That's all.

GRIM REAPER
What do you want with Lammy now?

DR. SCHITZ
Mr. Quatloo wants me to analyze her
blood. She was dead, but now she
lives. He thinks there might be
something in her DNA that will make
him live forever.

GRIM REAPER
Well. So be it. I just want my baby! I
want my child!

He turns and floats out of the window.

NURSE VIOLENT
What's that shit all about?

DR. SCHITZ
Ah! Nothing to do with us. I had
better get over to the lab and see
what Snewgflo wants.

Violent throws her arms around Schitz and begins
kissing him.

NURSE VIOLENT
Can't he wait a little longer?

DR. SCHITZ
Hmmmmmmm!

They again go to the floor and continue kissing
passionately and rolling in the pools of blood.

Violent notices Kudzu's head beside her with eyes
staring at her.

She grabs the head and again tosses it into the trash
can.

Blood splatters.

Violent and Schitz continue making love in the pools
of blood.

Schitz reaches up his hand to the light switch.

Lights go out to black.

BLACK OUT.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 23

Mickey Rat

23 - INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FADE IN:

At the foot of the stairs, Sexxi looks at a board on
the wall with names and room numbers.

Reptile and Murry stand silently handcuffed together.

OFFICER SEXXI
Let's see now. The offices and labs
are upstairs.

MICKEY RAT
(off screen)
Hey. Watch it, wise guy! Watch
where you step!

Sexxi jerks up her gun and hunkers as she jerks
around.

OFFICER SEXXI
Who said that? Show yourself! I'm a
police officer!

MICKEY RAT
(whistles)
You's awful good looking for a
copper.

Sexxi jerks around pointing her gun in different
directions.

OFFICER SEXXI
Where the hell is he?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Down there.

OFFICER SEXXI
Down where?

MICKEY RAT
Way down here, sweetheart.

Sexxi looks down, then jumps back.

She fires several shots.

Mickey dodges the bullets as he scampers behind
Reptile's bare feet.

OFFICER SEXXI
Did that rat talk?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
It's the devil's work!

OFFICER SEXXI
What?

MURRY MAGDALENE
It's one of Dr. Schitz freaky
experiments.

OFFICER SEXXI
What? What?

MURRY MAGDALENE
He personified the rat by mixing its
DNA and human DNA.

OFFICER SEXXI
What the... Come out here, you little
rat!

MICKEY RAT
Not by the hair on my chinny chin
chin!

Reptile then kicks Mickey and he rolls out into sight.

Sexxi squats down and pokes him with the barrel of
her gun.

OFFICER SEXXI
Say something, rat.

MICKEY RAT
Watch that pistola!

Sexxi looks up at Reptile and Magdalene.

OFFICER SEXXI
Hey. This little critter really does
talk! What kind of shit is going on
here?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
The devil's work! They are doing the
bidding of Satan!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, hush it, glory boy.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Take these cuffs off! Let me get
away from this heathen sinner! They
are all under the control of the devil!

Sexxi raises back to a standing position.

Mickey is hunching on the end of her gun barrel.

OFFICER SEXXI
Hey! Stop fucking with my gun, you
little pervert!

She shakes the gun trying to knock him off.

MICKEY RAT
I'm stuck.

OFFICER SEXXI
What do you mean, you're stuck?

MICKEY RAT
I'm stuck!

OFFICER SEXXI
What do you mean, you're stuck?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
The rat is fornicating with your gun!
Oh, let us pray!

MURRY MAGDALENE
He's a horny little fellow, isn't he!

OFFICER SEXXI
Get off my gun or I will shoot you off!

MICKEY RAT
Oh! I'm shooting right, oh, now. Oh,
oh, oh!

Sexxi fires the gun.

Mickey flies across the hall, thumping against the
wall, then slides down to the floor.

CLOSE UP reveals a broad smile on his face.

OFFICER SEXXI
That little pervert! Come on, you
guys. Up the stairs!

Reptile and Magdalene walk up the stairs followed by
Sexxi

MICKEY RAT
Bye bye, sweetheart! Oh, that was
marvelous!

FADE OUT:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 22

Officer Sexxi

22 - EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FADE IN:

A police car drives very slowly down the lane to the
hospital.

It stops behind Snewgflo's SUV.

The door opens very slowly.

A woman police officer steps out shining a huge
flashlight.

She approaches the SUV and shines light through
windows.

OFFICER SEXXI
Open the door slowly and hold your
hands up!

She waits a few moments in silence.

Finally the door slowly opens and four hands stick
out.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Don't you dare shoot us, girlfriend,
with that big ole gun!

OFFICER SEXXI
Step out of the vehicle into the light
from my headlights!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Do we have to?

OFFICER SEXXI
Yes! Step out of the vehicle!

MURRY MAGDALENE
(to Reptile)
What's wrong, sweet cheeks? Don't
you want to show your glory?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
It's not that. I don't want her to see
me with the likes of you!

OFFICER SEXXI
Step out of the vehicle now!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Now just chill, girlfriend.

They slowly and awkwardly climb from the SUV.

OFFICER SEXXI
What the holy hell?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I can explain officer. I was
kidnapped! I'm a victim! I have been
praying all night to be rescued!

OFFICER SEXXI
Why are you naked?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I'm James Reptile, pastor of the
Show the Glory Church.

OFFICER SEXXI
(to Murry)
And what the hell are you? A man in
woman's clothes!

MURRY MAGDALENE
I am a dancer at the Happy Wiener.
Oh, girlfriend, would you have a key
to these handcuffs? They are
chaffing my fragile wrists to no end.
I can hardly bear it!

OFFICER SEXXI
Just who kidnapped whom?

MURRY & REPTILE
They did!

They both speak at the same time and both point at
the spooky looking hospital.

Sexxi stares at the hospital.

OFFICER SEXXI
I heard a lot of strange things about
that place. Let's go!

Sexxi nods toward the hospital

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Please, take the handcuffs off.

OFFICER SEXXI
Just start walking to the hospital, or
whatever the place is!

Sexxi follows Murry and Reptile, still handcuffed,
toward the back door.

FADE OUT:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 21

Nurse Violent and Kutzu's head.

21 INT. OFFICE - DIMLY LIT

In the hallway, Kudzu stops by a door with a sign
that says PRIVATE OFFICE.

It also has handwritten signs that say KEEP OUT, DO
NOT DISTURB, GET LOST.

Kudzu paces back and forth for a moment, then
reaches for the doorknob, but pulls back her hand.

She paces more.

She reaches for the knob again.

She paces more.

Finally she grabs the knob and jerks the door open
and barges in.

CUT TO

INSIDE THE DARK OFFICE.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Dr.Schitz? You here?

Kudzu pulls out the flashlight she had at the
cemetery and turns it on. Ray of light cuts through
the darkness.

VOICE
(off screen)
Go away!

Kudzu shines the light around and sees a desk, then
a file cabinet, then a book shelf, then a computer.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Dr.Schitz? Where are you?

VOICE
Go away! Go away!

Kudzu stumbles around the room shining the light,
then shines it down.

The light reveals the very ugly face of Nurse Violent,
hissing like a snake or angry cat, showing fangs.

Violent leaps at Kudzu and the flashlight falls to the
floor.

We hear FIGHTING AND SCREAMING.

The room brightens up.

Dr.Schitz is standing by the light switch.

Violent and Kudzu wrestle and fall onto the desk
making paper fly.

A phone falls to the floor making that receiver-off-the-
hook sound.

A foot kicks the computer screen and sparks fly.

A knife in a hand is pumping.

Sound of WOMAN SCREAM.

Blood shoots in streams onto Schitz.

DR. SCHITZ
Stop this!

Schitz grabs Violent and pulls her off of Kudzu.

Violent is holding a bloody knife.

Kudzu's head rocks slowly, then falls off onto the
floor.

Kudzu's neck is spewing blood.

There is a moment of silence as Schitz and Violent
stare at the head.

NURSE VIOLENT
Oh, did I do a bad?

DR. SCHITZ
Yes, you did.

NURSE VIOLENT
Oh, my bad.

DR. SCHITZ
Don't worry. I'll stick her back
together after while. But I had better
get over to the lab. Snewgflo is
waiting for me. I forgot.

NURSE VIOLENT
Oh, he can wait.

Violent begins kissing Schitz passionately and they
fall to the floor.

Violent stops and looks at the head of Kudzu with its
eyes staring at her.

She grabs the head by the hair and tosses it into a
waste basket.

Blood flies and splatters.

DR. SCHITZ
Have I ever told you that you a very
sloppy.

NURSE VIOLENT
Oh, I just hate to be watched.

Schitz and Violent embrace and kiss madly as they
roll on the floor in the pools of blood.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 20

Henry, Lammy, Norvis and Snewgflo in the Lab.

20 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - LATER

Lammy is on a cot of a huge CAT scan type of
machine.

Snewgflo and Kudzu stand beside Lammy.

Henry is in a wheelchair with his wrists tied to the
arm rests.

Norvis is on the floor shaking in a fetal position.

FLOWERING KUDZU
(looks at machine)
What is this thing?

SNEWGFLO
Just a little thing I invented for the
good doctor Schitz.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Little? Little? Call that Little? It
looks,
(hesitates)
ah, it looks...

SNEWGFLO
Ominous?

FLOWERING KUDZU
Huh? Maybe, but I think it looks
threatening.

SNEWGFLO
Kudzu, why do you work for Mr.
Quatloo?

FLOWERING KUDZU
He's my grandfather.

SNEWGFLO
That's it?

FLOWERING KUDZU
Well. He supports me. I mean really
well. Real good. I mean, I live in
luxury. You know. Rich. I mean, if it
wasn't for him, I'd have to work for a
living.
(stares at Snewgflo)
What about you?

SNEWGFLO
(smirks)
You know the kind of stuff Dr. Schitz
and I do. Well, no one would fund us
like Quatloo does. He provides this
so-called hospital as a front for our
weird experiments. Experiments that
aren't even legal, I might add. That's
why we are obligated to him.

Henry wiggles in his wheelchair, trying to get loose.

HASHISH HENRY
But why is he so interested in
Lammy?

Snewgflo and Kudzu stare at him in silence.

SNEWGFLO
That, you will have to ask of the
good doctor. I'm not at liberty to say.

FLOWERING KUDZU
You know what. I don't even know
why he really is so interested in
Lammy. He talks about some Reality
TV show or something. But that's
just a cover. Or that's what I think.
Duh! I mean, I think there is
something much more important that
he wants from her.

HASHISH HENRY
Is Lammy okay? What did you shoot
her with?

SNEWGFLO
(holds out gun)
Just my stun-ray gun that I invented.

FLOWERING KUDZU
What's keeping Dr.Schitz? I thought
he was on his way up?

SNEWGFLO
Why don't you go out and find him,
Kudzu?

She nods, then goes out of the door. Henry reaches
his hand down to the wheel of the wheelchair and
spins it.

He rolls quickly toward Snewgflo and hits his legs,
knocking him to the ground.

The gun flies from his hand and lands next to Norvis.

HASHISH HENRY
Grab the gun, Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh, guns make me nervous!

HASHISH HENRY
Grab the damn gun!

Norvis reaches for the gun with his shaking hand,
then grips it.

He sits up waving the gun around wildly.

Rays shoot from the gun, striking and sparking all
parts of the room.

A ray hits Snewgflo and he brightens up showing his
skeleton for a moment, then he falls to the ground
and smokes.

LAMMY
(slowly sits up)
What's going on?

A ray then strikes Henry and he brightens and shows
his skeleton for a moment, then slumps back
unconscious and smokes.

NERVOUS NORVIS
How you turn this off?

LAMMY
Just drop it!

He turns toward Lammy, but also points the gun at
her and a ray strikes her, making her bright and
showing her skeleton again, and she falls off of the
cot to the floor and smokes.

Norvis lets go of the gun and it falls to the floor, but
a ray shoots up and strikes him, causing him to
brighten up and show his skeleton for a moment,
then he falls back and smokes.

The gun flips around the floor like a loose water hose
as it shoots out rays, then slowly stops.

All is quiet as everyone is unconscious and emitting
smoke.

FADE OUT:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 19

Lammy gets zapped.

19 - IN. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FADE IN:

Henry and Norvis are outside a door in the hallway.
On the door is a plaque that says "Dr. Schitz Lab"

HASHISH HENRY
Hurry up, Norvis! Pick this lock!

Norvis' hand shakes as he holds a bent paper clip He
jabs the clip at the keyhole but keeps missing.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I can't hit the hole! I'm too nervous!

HASHISH HENRY
Need hair around it?

NERVOUS NORVIS
What? Huh? Hair? What do you
mean?

HASHISH HENRY
Just a joke. Hurry up!

Norvis continues to poke at the hole.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh! A joke! Now I get it!
(turns to Henry)
That's funny!

THE SOUND OF A DOOR SLAMMING OFF SCREEN.

HASHISH HENRY
Hurry up, Norvis! Someone is
coming!

Norvis shakes even more, then drops the paper clip
and begins looking for it on the floor.

CUT TO:

FOOT OF STAIRS

Lammy, Kudzu and Snewgflo at the foot of a set of
stairs.

SNEWGFLO
Up! Go on up, Lammy!

LAMMY
What is wrong with you guys? I
thought you were my friends, like
that.

Snewgflo points the gun at her as Kudzu pushes
Lammy onto the steps where she falls. Lammy then
turns and kicks upward, knocking the gun out of
Snewgflo's hand. He turns to go after it while Kudzu
swings at Lammy. Lammy ducks and then butts her
head into Kudzu's stomach, knocking her back.
Lammy reaches down and grabs the camera necklace
around Kudzu's neck and examines it closely. Lammy
then throws it on the floor. She smashes the
miniature camera with her heel several times.

CUT TO:

BOARDROOM

Quatloo and Vinnie looking at TV. The image of
Lammy suddenly turns to static.

BACK TO SCENE AT

FOOT OF STAIRS

SNEWGFLO
Don't make me zap you!

Snewgflo points the gun at Lammy. She stops and
holds up her hands.

LAMMY
What do you mean, zap?

Kudzu gets up and pushes Lammy to the steps.
Kudzu picks up the pieces of the camera necklace
and examines it, then tosses it back to the floor.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Just go on up the steps, bitch!

LAMMY
(sticks out tongue)
I don't like you no more!

Snewgflo waves gun at her. They start up the steps.

CUT TO:

UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

In the hall, Norvis is on his knees looking for the
paper clip and Henry stands above him, looking
down.

HASHISH HENRY
I hear someone coming up the stairs!
Hurry!

NERVOUS NORVIS
Here it is!

Norvis raises up quickly, bumps his head against
Henry's head. Henry staggers back and falls to the
ground.

SNEWGFLO
(off screen)
Who's there?

Henry sits up holding his head. Snewgflo, Kudzu and
Lammy enter the hall from the stairway.

LAMMY
It's Henry!

Lammy then begins to run (in slow motion) down the
hall with her arms spread wide toward Henry.

HASHISH HENRY
(leaps to his feet)
Lammy!

He holds out his arms to greet Lammy. Snewgflo
aims gun.

ZAP SOUND.

A stream of light from the gun to Lammy.

LAMMY
(falling)
Ouch! I got stung!

Lammy brightens up and we see her skeleton for a
moment until she lands on the floor at Henry's feet.

NERVOUS NORVIS
This is making me very nervous!

Norvis falls to the floor beside Lammy and he
wiggles. Smoke comes from Lammy's body.

FADE OUT:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 18

Snewgflo aims his ZAP gun at Lammy

18 - OUT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

The headlights of Snewgflo's SUV shine on a naked
man kneeling and praying in front of the spooky
building

SNEWGFLO
Hey! One of Dr. Shitz patients has
escaped!

FLOWERING KUDZU
Oh, that's just Rev. Jimmy Reptile.

SNEWGFLO
Why's he naked?

LAMMY
He preaches that we should show
our glory for the Lord.

FLOWERING KUDZU
He's showing his "gory"!

Snewgflo sticks his head out of the window.

SNEWGFLO
Hey, Glory boy! Get your bare ass in
here!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Oh, but I have some more praying to
do. A lot more.

SNEWGFLO
(pointing a gun)
Prayer time is over.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
(standing)
Okay, okay. I'm coming.

Reptile opens door.

MURRY MAGDALENE
(pats seat)
Here, sit beside me, sweet cheeks.

Reptile gets in next to Murry

Snewgflo drives down lane to back of hospital.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Why are you out here in the middle of
the night, reverend?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I was just praying for the sinners in
that place.

Reptile then begins rubbing Murry's legs and runs his
hand up under her dress.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, you devil, you!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Just laying on of the hands. But I am
really a righteous man and this does
make me feel a bit silly, but...

MURRY MAGDALENE
But, sweets. Keep going and you'll
feel nuts.

Reptile rubs his hand further up Murry's dress.

Murry moans and smiles widely.

Reptile quickly jerks his hand back.

FLOWERING KUDZU
What's wrong, Jimmy?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
This person... Let me move over on
the other side of Lammy please.

SNEWGFLO
Maybe, if you tell us why you are out
here in the middle of the night.

MURRY MAGDALENE
I like your glory, sweet reverend.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Let me move. Let me out!

The car stops. Snewgflo pulls out handcuffs and
slaps them on Reptile and Murry.

SNEWGFLO
We're going inside. You two stay out
here.

Snewgflo, Kudzu and Lammy get out of the car
leaving Reptile and Murry handcuffed together in the
back seat.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, how cozy.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Let me out! I don't want to be left
here with this...

MURRY MAGDALENE
Now, hush, sweet cheeks. Let's
explore your glory.

The others walk toward the hospital.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Wait! I'll tell you! I'll tell you!

Snewgflo walks back and opens the door.

SNEWGFLO
Well. Tell us.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I was keeping watch for Henry and
Norvis.

SNEWGFLO
What are they doing?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
They are breaking into Dr.Schitz
office, and then your lab, too.

LAMMY
Henry? Why is Henry doing that?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
He still loves you, Lammy! He wants
to help you find your baby and sister
so you will go back with him.

LAMMY
He's doing that for me?

FLOWERING KUDZU
We can't let them do that!

LAMMY
What do you mean, Kudzu? Whose
side are you on?

Kudzu and Snewgflo look at each other.

They grab Lammy, and Snewgflo holds a gun to her
head.

They slam the car door and force Lammy toward the
hospital.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Wait! You promised to let me out!
Help!

Snewgflo opens the back door to the hospital and
motions for Lammy to go in.

LAMMY
Kudzu! I thought you were my friend!

Kudzu pushes Lammy through the opened door and
they follow her, slamming the door behind them.

Reptile continues to scream from the car.

FADE OUT:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 17

Prof. Snewgflo just happens to be driving by.

17 - OUT. ROADSIDE - NIGHT

Kudzu and Murry are carrying Lammy outside the
cemetery when a SUV pulls up and stops.

SNEWGFLO
(head out window)
You taking up body snatching?

FLOWERING KUDZU
(winks at snewgflo)
What a coincident meeting you out
here!

SNEWGFLO
(winks back)
Yes. I just "happened" to be taking a
drive in the middle of the night and
saw you guys.
(smirks)
Who is that?

FLOWERING KUDZU
It's Lammy. SNEWGFLO Oh, mutton
for dinner. Toss her in the back and
hop in.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Can we trust this green-face
character, girlfriend?

FLOWERING KUDZU
Of course, he's a scientist like Tom
Cruise and John Travolta.

LAMMY
(mumbles)
Stinks.You guys stink!

The girls drop Lammy.

FLOWERING KUDZU
She's waking up!

MURRY MAGDALENE
(to Lammy)
Girlfriend, can you stand?

LAMMY
I sure can't stand this smell.
(rubs her neck)
My neck hurts!

FLOWERING KUDZU
Nossy the vampire bit you. He was
sucking your blood.

LAMMY
(sits up, holds neck)
Oh, no! Will I get West Nile Disease?

SNEWGFLO
All that alcohol will sterilize you!

LAMMY
No more baby Lambkins?

SNEWGFLO
I mean the germs.

LAMMY
I got to find my baby Lambkin! Take
me to Dr.Schitz!

FLOWERING KUDZU
(winks at snewgflo)
Would you by chance have clean
women's clothes in your car?

SNEWGFLO
(winks back)
What a coincident! I just happened to
have clean clothes that would
exactly fit Lammy.

FLOWERING KUDZU
(winks again)
She also needs to wash off.

SNEWGFLO
(winks back)
Oh, what a coincident! I just
happened to have a bucket of water
and a bar of soap!

LAMMY
You guys got something in your
eyes?

FLOWERING KUDZU
(rubs eye)
Just a little allergic to wool.

MURRY MAGDALENE
You weren't allergic to it a while
back when you guys were behind
Lammy's tombstone.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Mind your manners, girlfriend.

Lammy steps behind the car and strips and begins
washing off. Snewgflo stretches his neck to peek at
her.

MURRY MAGDALENE
What are you gawking at, Greeny!

SNEWGFLO
Just observing. Scientific research,
you know.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Research? What you finding out?

SNEWGFLO
Lammy really was a red head before
the curse.

DISSOLVE TO:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 16

Nosferatu and Wolfie in the cemetery.
Also Lammy, Flowering Kudzu by the tombstone and Murry Magdalene.

16 - OUT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

FADE IN:

Kudzu and Murry walk through the cemetery with a
flashlight, even though there is a full moon.

HOWLING SOUND IN BACKGROUND.

MURRY MAGDALENE
I think Lammy's grave is over here,
that's where she goes to when she's
upset.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Why does Lammy have a grave?

MURRY MAGDALENE
It's where they buried her when she
got killed.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Killed?

MURRY MAGDALENE
She burned herself up with candles
trying to do some weird spell to
reverse the curse that Enditall the
witch cast on her. You know. The
sheep head.

FLOWERING KUDZU
I hear something.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Just a wolf howling at the full moon.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Sounds like it's choked or gagging.
(stops walking)
But what is Lammy now? A ghost or
vampire or undead something?

MURRY MAGDALENE
No. Nothing like that.
(they continue walking)
She took her case to court and got
her death sentence reversed. So
Death had to let her go back to being
alive.

FLOWERING KUDZU
You believe that?

MURRY MAGDALENE
And they say her baby Lambkin
belongs to Grimmy.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Grimmy?

MURRY MAGDALENE
The Grim reaper. Grimmy.

FLOWERING KUDZU
(stops and shouts)
Over there!

They shine their lights on a gagging figure. The light
reveals that it is Nosferatu the vampire bent over and
throwing up. He shades himself from the lights with
his cape.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Nossy! What is wrong with you?

NOSFERATU
That girl stinks. Like shit!

He throws up more.

FLOWERING KUDZU
I smell it!

NOSFERATU
And her blood is full of wine! Cheap
wine!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Nossy! Are you biting Lammy? Why
would you do that?

NOSFERATU
It's my job. The boss told me to do it.

FLOWERING KUDZU
Vampires have a boss?

NOSFERATU
Some old guy stole my coffin where I
have to return and sleep every night.
And if I don't do what he says, then
he will steak my heart! So I have to
work for him.

Murry rushes over to Lammy at the foot of her
tombstone.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Are you all right, girlfriend?

FLOWERING KUDZU
Hey! There's someone over there in
the bushes!

NOSFERATU
Wolfie!

WOLFIE
Nossy!

The vampire and werewolf rush into each others
arms and kiss passionately. Wolfie steps back and
spits.

NOSFERATU
What is it darling?

FLOWERING KUDZU
(disgusting expression)
Darling?

WOLFIE
Oh, Nossy, honey. Your kiss tastes
like cheap wine. How gross! And you
smell like sheeee-it!

NOSFERATU
Oh, I had to suck that beee-atch and
she had sheeee-it all over herself.

WOLFIE
You sucked a beeee-atch? Now that
is really gross. How disgusting!
(howls)
Come, my darling, let's go skinny
dipping in the pond.

NOSFERATU
Love to! How long has it been?

WOLFIE
(laughs)
It's as long as it always has been.

NOSFERATU
(laughs)
You silly dog! I just adore you!

Their voices get lower as they stroll off into the
darkness.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Delightful couple...

FLOWERING KUDZU
Disgusting!
(looks down)
Damn. Lammy stinks!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Poor thing. Let's get her to your
house.

FLOWERING KUDZU
My house? My house? Why not your
house?

MURRY MAGDALENE
Okay then. We'll split the difference.
We'll take her to her house.

FLOWERING KUDZU
I think I need a gas-mask!
(gags)
You carry her legs and I'll carry her
shoulders. The shit stinks worse
than the wine.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, girlfriend! Why do I get the shitty
end?

FLOWERING KUDZU
Do you want me to help?

Murry shrugs, then grabs Lammy's legs as Kudzu lifts
her shoulders at the armpits and they begin carrying
her.

DISSOLVE TO:

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 15

Rev. Jimmy Reptile, Hashish Henry and Nervous Norvis
outside Hellspass Hospital

15 - OUT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FADE IN:

Henry, Reptile (naked) and Norvis stand looking at a
building that looks like a haunted house.

NERVOUS NORVIS
That place looks mighty spooky.
What is it?

HASHISH HENRY
It's Hell's Pass Hospital.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Hospital? I never seen no hospital
like that. Looks like a haunted house
to me.

HASHISH HENRY
It's where Dr.Schitz has his
Laboratory. And Prof. Snewgflo has
one there, too.

NERVOUS NORVIS
A lavatory? Like a bathroom?

HASHISH HENRY
No. A lab. Where they do secret
experiments, like with DNA.

NERVOUS NORVIS
What's DNA?

There's a moment of silence.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Let us pray.
(bows head)
And I mean pray really really hard!

NERVOUS NORVIS
Are you as nervous as me, reverend?

HASHISH HENRY
We have to break into their offices
and get hold of their files.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Break in? That's a sin! I had better
stay out here and pray for you guys.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Maybe me too!

Norvis begins to shake and falls to the ground and
wiggles.

HASHISH HENRY
You can stay out here and keep
watch, reverend. Come on with me,
Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Wait. I'm having a nervous break-
down right now.

Henry pulls the small skinny man to his feet.

HASHISH HENRY
Come on, Norvis.

Henry and Norvis walk toward the building while
Reptile assumes a praying position on his knees.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Why Dr.Shitz and Prof. Snewgflo?

HASHISH HENRY
I think they have something to do
with the strange things going on...

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm nervous...

Their voices get softer as they get further away
toward the building.

FADE OUT:

Continue