Fired, Again!

Hashish Henry, the Sandwich Head Man, fired me from the convenient store job. He said I was probably just drunk or passed out and let that guy come and take all the money from the cash register. Besides, he said the story about Billy the Kid in red parachute pants was just too far-fetched for him to believe.

I tried crying like Lucy in the "I Love Lucy" show, but he wouldn't buy that either. Since he now owns the store, he thinks he's like Donald Trump or something and loves to say, "You're Fired!" He just kept saying it over and over again while I finished off all the Mad Dog 20/20 wine he had on stock.

Then I headed on down to skid row to Ugly Grace's Bar and Grill.

Billy The Kid Robbed Me

The midnight shift wasn't too bad because it wasn't very busy. I had plenty of time to sip some wine and take naps. I was beginning to really enjoy this job until Billy the Kid came in.

He was a real smart ass. He talked really nasty to me. Then I saw him stuffing bottles of wine down the front of those red parachute pants he wears. When I mentioned the bulge in the front of his pants, he just grinned and suggested that I was just turned on by his anatomy. How disgusting!

Then he robbed me. Or robbed the store. Whatever. Anyway, he took all the money from the register and then ran off. I just went over and got another bottle of wine and took another break before calling Henry, my boss.

Got A Job At A Convenience Store

After losing my job in the morning, I strolled down to the convenience store where Hashish Henry worked. Come to find out, he now owns the store. And he hired me to work for him!

That was great. Except for one thing. I have to work the graveyard shift all night long. But that's okay. They sell Mad Dog 20/20 wine there and I can sip on that all night.

I'm glad that Hashish Henry, the Sandwich Head Man, still likes me. At least that is what I felt when he gave me a job after I got fired for sleeping on the other job. But I began wondering why he put me on the midnight shift.

Fired From My New Job

I got a job working for a home-improvement company that's replacing the roof on Tom & Icy's house. I had to carry a lot of big ole boards and they were really heavy. So I had to rest, but wouldn't you know that the contractor came by right as I was taking a short break.

He didn't like that and said I was fired. Well, that job didn't last very long. Neither did the nap I was taking.

I tried to joke around with the curmudgeon boss, but he just told me to go to the Devil! I told him, "Been there. Done that." Suffice to say, he wasn't amused.

Realities of Life

It was nice at first returning to life after being dead, but rather quickly reality begins to set in.

I had forgotten about the misery of "that time of the month" when your stomach aches and you become upset easily and short tempered while depression and negative thoughts take over the mind. The curse of the pain and agony of living soon began to consume me.

That awful time of the month when the rent and bills come due!

So I had to get my butt off the bar stool and get back to job hunting again!

I Met With The Girls

I headed on over to Ugly Grace's and talked with the girls on how we were going to take control away from the guys. One of these days, we'll RULE the world!

I Have Risen

Yes. I have been resurrected from the grave! I have been returned to life. And it was so great, especially getting the wonderful taste of that cheap wine! Now I really feel like the Lamb of God. And after a few more bottles of that wine, I felt like my old self again.

The very first person to see me after my resurrection was Murry Magdalene, a dancer at the Happy Wiener. He/she said I was truly washed in my own blood and am the only begotten daughter of my Mother God in Heaven!

The Fog of Confusion

Dr. Schitz gave me so many shots that I was really confused and dazed. Then he disappeared with my baby! I was really upset and all. I managed to get up and began looking for my newborn child. I ran and ran and ran in the fog of confusion that was not only outside, but also befuddling my mind.

Where's my baby? Where's my sister, Lula? Where am I? Am I alive or still dead? Who is the daddy of my baby? Where am I running to? What's going on? Where is my baby? Oh, I said that.

These are unsettling times.

Dr. Schitz Delivered My Baby

I didn't even know I was in labor when the good doctor came into my room and began jabbing me with needles. I don't remember much after that except looking up and seeing him holding my newborn.

I was really droggy. I couldn't get a clear view of the baby to see who it looked like. I couldn't tell if it belonged to Axe Man or Hashish Henry or Peter Piper or the Iranian Nukie or, hell, who knows which of the many guys I have been with.

I couldn't even tell if it had a lamb's head like me or if it was normal. I just kept passing out and waking up and passing out again.

Dr. Schitz left with the baby and I haven't seen them since. I don't know what he is doing with him, or her -- I couldn't even determine the gender of my own child!

A Time To Readjust

I don't know whether to call this a 'half-way' house or 'safe-house' where I am right now. It is a Half-way house in the sense that I am trying to make the adjustments and changes from being in hell to the new life I will be going to. But it is also a Safe-house in the sense that it is a place of repose and refuse from the Devil as I get away from him. It was hellacious being in hell. It was pure hell. Now I know why they call it hell. It's not very nice.

Surprising End of My Trial

There was a curious twist in my trial to appeal my sentence to hell and have my death reversed!

The judge, Icy, called Dr. Schitz and Prof. Snewgflo to testify. First the good doctor gave a long and boring explanation about DNA which no one could understand, but the pictures he used for graphics were pretty. They looked like a Picaso painting and made about as much sense. Then Prof. Snewgflo tried to clear up what Dr. Schitz was trying to say. It was a shock to me as well as everyone else when they finally got to the point.

They said the my baby did not belong to the Grim Reaper.

That fact made it quite evident that there really was no conspiracy by the Devil and Grim Reaper to get me in Hell to have the son of death. This really embarrassed my lawyer, Shyster Pettifogger and he hid under the table, thinking he had lost the case for me. But it wasn't as bad as all that. It turned out quite well for me!

Upon hearing the evidence that my unborn child did not belong to the Grim Reaper, both he and the Devil raged with anger, calling me all kinds of foul names. Then they stormed out of the courtroom in disgust. Thus Icy, the new judge, declared them in contempt and dismissed my sentence to Hell as well as reversing my death.

But Icy set conditions. She said I first had to spend some time at a half-way house in the Netherworld before being restored to full life on Earth. That didn't sound too bad. As a matter of fact, I was wanting to return to the Netherworld where I had seen my long lost sister, Lula. I had tried to approach her but a Dhole bobbed up and kept me away. So I feel pretty sure Lula is in the Netherworld and I welcome the opportunity to go back and find her. It has been about a year since she disappeared.

The only question that remains concerning my delicate condition is: Who is the daddy of my unborn baby?

So I have a three-fold mission ahead of me. One, to continue my quest to find my sister, Lula.
Two, find out just who is the father of my soon to be born child.
Three, to reverse the spell Enditall the witch cast on me causing my head to turn into a lamb's head.

Jesus Testifies

The judge in my case quit because Nancy Grace was driving him crazy and he developed migraine headaches. He was replaced with the white dog, Icy. This was good news for me since Icy is Tom's dog, and Tom is my uncle. So things began looking pretty good for me.

Then they called none other than Jesus himself to testify in my case of appealing my conviction to hell and reversing my death. The prosecution tried to object, saying it really wasn't Jesus at all, but the hippie guy who looks like Jesus. Icy insisted on hearing the testimony before making a decision about the objection.

The Jesus guy told the court that according to Saint Peter, my death was very untimely in that it was premature. And the reason I wasn't allowed in heaven was because I was not on St. Peter's list of expected souls. That is the actual reason I was sent down to hell. It was all a mix up in the red tape.

My lawyer, Shyster Pettifogger, argued that, in fact, it was all a conspiracy plot to get me in hell and make me pregnant by the death guy.

Icy then called a recess in the trial proceedings because she had to go out in the courtyard and poop. But so far, I have a lot of optimism and hope of reversing my death.

Smenita Called To Testify

My lawyer, Shyster Pettifogger, called the fairy, Smenita, to the stand to testify. She is sometimes called the whispering fairy and sometimes the wicked fairy because she is so mischievous. He wanted to show the Judge and Nancy Grace how the fairy kept whispering wicked stuff in my ear as I slept and caused me to light some candles and put an evil spell on Enditall the witch. It was Enditall who cursed me and turned my head into a lamb's head. Smenita kept whispering to me to get revenge on the witch. But when I tried to cast a spell on Enditall, the candles set me on fire.

Shyster Pettifogger wanted to show that the evil idea of casting the spell was not my idea at and and thus there was no premeditated intent to do evil. I was just an innocent victim of the wicked fairy, Smenita.

I don't know if the judge got all that because Nancy Grace kept running her mouth and he couldn't concentrate on the testimony.

I May Return!

I have retained a lawyer, Shyster Pettifogger, to argue my case before the superior court of the Netherworld concerning my conviction to hell. This is one slick lawyer. He says he may even have my death reversed so that I can return free to life on earth.

But this has really upset the Grim Reaper. Not only because of his job, but mostly because I am pregnant with his child. Death will have to pay me child support!