Screenplay - SCENE 40

Only five more scenes after this.


40 EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY

Reptile, Murry, Norvis, Kudzu, Sexxi, Axe Man, Henry
and Lammy walk to the drive.

HASHISH HENRY
Reptile, Murry and Norvis. You guys
take the SUV. Axe Man, Lammy and I
will take my car that's in Dante's
Park.

OFFICER SEXXI
I'll lead the way in my cruiser with
lights and sirens. Hope we get to
Quatloo's before he sacrifices that
baby.

LAMMY
My Lambkin! Why is he going to kill
my Lambkin?

HASHISH HENRY
(as they walk to the car)
He thinks the baby's blood will make
him live forever.

LAMMY
What a ass hole. Real dumbass!

Their voices fade as they walk across the road to
Dante's Park.

Reptile, Murry and Norvis remain beside the SUV.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I'll drive.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Why can't I do the driving?

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm too nervous to drive.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I think I better drive and let you two
sit in the back. You got a lot to talk
about. I'll be praying for you.

They get in.

CUT TO:

INT. THE BACKSEAT AS CAR DRIVES.

NERVOUS NORVIS
You really are a sweet girl and I like
you a whole lot, you know.

MURRY MAGDALENE
And I like you, Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm so nervous, I don't know how to
say this.

MURRY MAGDALENE
(sobbing)
Are you going to break up with me?
Oh, it will break my heart right into!

NERVOUS NORVIS
(shaking all over)
There's just something I don't
understand, and I get real nervous
when I don't understand and
Reverend Reptile said you would
help me understand. Do you
understand?

MURRY MAGDALENE
What is it, my love?

Murry kisses Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Like, well, first, how about that
adam's apple there in your neck? I
thought only guys had those. Why
would a girl like you have one?

Murry rubs his neck.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, this. Well, you see. It's like this.
I had an accident when I was a child.
I got a chicken bone lodged in my
neck right there and they said it
would be too dangerous to try to
take it out and it doesn't block my
pipes much. It just sticks out in the
front like a man's adam apple.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh. I thought there was a reasonable
explanation for that! I feel better
now. Still nervous, but better.

MURRY MAGDALENE
I'm so glad, my love. I thought there
for a minute you were going to break
up with me.

NERVOUS NORVIS
There's one more thing.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, really? What could that be?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Well, when you were hanging from
the roof before we went up and
helped you up, well, when we were
down on the ground looking up...

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh dear! Don't tell me you naughty
little boys were looking up my dress!

NERVOUS NORVIS
Yeah, like that. We were.

MURRY MAGDALENE
My oh my oh my. How embarrassing!

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm kind of nervous now to ask about
this, but it looked like you had a
penis, like a man. Why would a girl
like you have a penis.

MURRY MAGDALENE
You see, sweetheart. When I was
just a little girl, I had what they call
"penis envy".

NERVOUS NORVIS
Huh?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Lord, have mercy on them!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Yes. It is a terrible thing for a little
girl to go through. So my parents got
me one.

NERVOUS NORVIS
They got you a penis?

MURRY MAGDALENE
Yes. It was a present for my
birthday.

NERVOUS NORVIS
That was awful nice of your parents.
I didn't mean to embarrass you, but I
just had to know.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Do you still love little ole me,
sweets?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Of course. You're the nicest
girlfriend I ever had, even if you do
have a penis.

They kiss as Reptile prays softly.

Continue

I've Become Addicted To Coffee

It was nice sneaking out of rehab for a while and being with my friends again, but something strange came over me. After sitting there reading and drinking coffee so much, I just didn't have the desire to drink that cheap wine. And I had a compulsion to finish that book, I guess because I had invested so much time in it. I had spent hours and hours and didn't want to quit now. I was dying to know what the second sentence said.

What seemed so funny was that I had influenced my friends and they all ordered coffee to drink. But Ugly Grace got really pissed and told us to go over to Nervous Norvis Coffee Shop and waste his time. How rude.

Nice Time At Ugly Grace's

I met the girls at Ugly Grace's and we had a really nice time. I told them about finding out that my baby Lambkin was not a baby at all, but just a cloth puppet of Lamb Chop. The girls all just comforted me and said they all had very similar experiences.

Murry Magdalene said she had the delusion that a crucifix was her baby. And Flowering Kudzu said her first child turned out to be just a carton of cigarettes. She looked real good, by the way, after Dr. Schitz got her all back together again. He even gave Flowering Kudzu a whole new body this time, but warned her to stay away from Axe Man if she wanted to keep it.

Then Jimmy Reptile came in with all that praising the Lord stuff and he introduced us to his new assistant which was a Giant Mantis. Jimmy Reptile said we should be more like him and pray. The Giant Mantis just kept asking us if we have seen Buzzin and Buzzoff lately.

It was a very nice evening and I started back to my house, but then suddenly remembered that I had left that running guy who looked like Al Capone there. I wondered if he was still there.

Drunk, Again!

We had a great wild time at Ugly Grace's last night. But I woke up with a banging headache. And down on skid row was Smelte of Death Cheese, the Hippie That Looks Like Jesus, Icy the dog protecting me, Soggy and his Spam, and of course my girlfriends, Lyanne Sakks and the he/she Murry Magdalene. And we were being watched by Brittney the Devil Doll, Harry, and even the Devil himself.

Oh, when will I ever learn? I hope not ever because this ignorance is bliss and so much fun!

I Met With The Girls

I headed on over to Ugly Grace's and talked with the girls on how we were going to take control away from the guys. One of these days, we'll RULE the world!

I Have Risen

Yes. I have been resurrected from the grave! I have been returned to life. And it was so great, especially getting the wonderful taste of that cheap wine! Now I really feel like the Lamb of God. And after a few more bottles of that wine, I felt like my old self again.

The very first person to see me after my resurrection was Murry Magdalene, a dancer at the Happy Wiener. He/she said I was truly washed in my own blood and am the only begotten daughter of my Mother God in Heaven!