Here Comes The Bride (816)

Praying For Nurse Violent

I went to church where Rev. Jimmy Reptile was holding a special prayer session for Nurse Violent in hopes of preparing her for her upcoming wedding to Dr. Schitz this fall. I thought I was in bad shape until I learned of all the demons in that poor woman. We prayed all night to cast out as many demons as we could. As for my own problem, well, I am full of spirits from that cheap wine, but all I have to do is go pee to cast them out.

I Went To Church

I was so happy to get my baby Lambkin back, that I went to church with Rev. Reptile and Pansi.

Screenplay - SCENE 40

Only five more scenes after this.


40 EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY

Reptile, Murry, Norvis, Kudzu, Sexxi, Axe Man, Henry
and Lammy walk to the drive.

HASHISH HENRY
Reptile, Murry and Norvis. You guys
take the SUV. Axe Man, Lammy and I
will take my car that's in Dante's
Park.

OFFICER SEXXI
I'll lead the way in my cruiser with
lights and sirens. Hope we get to
Quatloo's before he sacrifices that
baby.

LAMMY
My Lambkin! Why is he going to kill
my Lambkin?

HASHISH HENRY
(as they walk to the car)
He thinks the baby's blood will make
him live forever.

LAMMY
What a ass hole. Real dumbass!

Their voices fade as they walk across the road to
Dante's Park.

Reptile, Murry and Norvis remain beside the SUV.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I'll drive.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Why can't I do the driving?

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm too nervous to drive.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
I think I better drive and let you two
sit in the back. You got a lot to talk
about. I'll be praying for you.

They get in.

CUT TO:

INT. THE BACKSEAT AS CAR DRIVES.

NERVOUS NORVIS
You really are a sweet girl and I like
you a whole lot, you know.

MURRY MAGDALENE
And I like you, Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm so nervous, I don't know how to
say this.

MURRY MAGDALENE
(sobbing)
Are you going to break up with me?
Oh, it will break my heart right into!

NERVOUS NORVIS
(shaking all over)
There's just something I don't
understand, and I get real nervous
when I don't understand and
Reverend Reptile said you would
help me understand. Do you
understand?

MURRY MAGDALENE
What is it, my love?

Murry kisses Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Like, well, first, how about that
adam's apple there in your neck? I
thought only guys had those. Why
would a girl like you have one?

Murry rubs his neck.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, this. Well, you see. It's like this.
I had an accident when I was a child.
I got a chicken bone lodged in my
neck right there and they said it
would be too dangerous to try to
take it out and it doesn't block my
pipes much. It just sticks out in the
front like a man's adam apple.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Oh. I thought there was a reasonable
explanation for that! I feel better
now. Still nervous, but better.

MURRY MAGDALENE
I'm so glad, my love. I thought there
for a minute you were going to break
up with me.

NERVOUS NORVIS
There's one more thing.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh, really? What could that be?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Well, when you were hanging from
the roof before we went up and
helped you up, well, when we were
down on the ground looking up...

MURRY MAGDALENE
Oh dear! Don't tell me you naughty
little boys were looking up my dress!

NERVOUS NORVIS
Yeah, like that. We were.

MURRY MAGDALENE
My oh my oh my. How embarrassing!

NERVOUS NORVIS
I'm kind of nervous now to ask about
this, but it looked like you had a
penis, like a man. Why would a girl
like you have a penis.

MURRY MAGDALENE
You see, sweetheart. When I was
just a little girl, I had what they call
"penis envy".

NERVOUS NORVIS
Huh?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Lord, have mercy on them!

MURRY MAGDALENE
Yes. It is a terrible thing for a little
girl to go through. So my parents got
me one.

NERVOUS NORVIS
They got you a penis?

MURRY MAGDALENE
Yes. It was a present for my
birthday.

NERVOUS NORVIS
That was awful nice of your parents.
I didn't mean to embarrass you, but I
just had to know.

MURRY MAGDALENE
Do you still love little ole me,
sweets?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Of course. You're the nicest
girlfriend I ever had, even if you do
have a penis.

They kiss as Reptile prays softly.

Continue

Screenplay - SCENE 12

Henry, Norvis, Rev. Reptile

12 - IN. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

FADE IN:

Reverend Jimmy Reptile is sitting at a table with
Norvis. Reptile is naked.

NERVOUS NORVIS
I just can't help being so nervous. If
you were going through what I am
going through, you'd be a nervous
wreck, too. I mean, to just think, I
once kissed that Sheep headed girl
and wanted to marry her. I thought I
loved her, you know. But what I saw
today, I just can't understand it. That
girl I once kissed was kissing
another girl. Made me choke. To
think. I kissed her, and now she
kisses a girl.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Oh, let us bow our heads in prayer
and pray for the poor lost sheep that
she may find her way.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Will I go to hell because I kissed
her?

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Perhaps if you provide us with coffee
for our Wednesday night bingo, the
Lord will cleanse your soul and
remove the stain that you might
receive grace and go to heaven.

Henry enters the coffee shop and dispenses himself a
cup, then sits with the others.

HASHISH HENRY
Hello, Reverend Jimmy. Why is
Norvis crying like that?

NERVOUS NORVIS
I saw such a thing that makes me
really nervous! You know that girl
with a sheep head?

HASHISH HENRY
Of course, she's Lammy. I was going
with her. Why?

NERVOUS NORVIS
I saw her kissing that other girl,
Kudzu.

HASHISH HENRY
Kudzu is a real weed!

NERVOUS NORVIS
Huh? What do you mean? I don't
understand what you are talking
about?

HASHISH HENRY
That was just a joke, Norvis. Never
mind. Are you sure that is what you
saw?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Of course. I was right next to them
with Murry.

HASHISH HENRY
You were with Murry?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Yes. We are dating now.

HASHISH HENRY
I would never have thought that of
you, Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
What? Me dating a girl? I have to
admit that I am a little shy, but, you
know, I do date girls.

HASHISH HENRY
Yeah, but Murry?

NERVOUS NORVIS
Well, she's not the prettiest girl in
the world, I mean she does have
some masculine traits, you know,
like did you know she has an adam's
apple? I thought only guys had
adam's apples. But she has a nice
sense of humor and that relaxes me
when I get really nervous.

HASHISH HENRY
Oh, you're a nice guy, Norvis.

NERVOUS NORVIS
Thank you, I guess...
(pauses)
But I hope that doesn't mean you
like me, well, you know, in a funny
sort of way. I don't go with guys.

HASHISH HENRY
No. I didn't mean it that way at all.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Let us pray about this.

HASHISH HENRY
Oh, well. I think something really
strange is going on around here.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
When doesn't strange things go on
around here?

HASHISH HENRY
It just isn't natural. Like we are
being used like chess pieces in a
game..

NERVOUS NORVIS
This is making me so nervous!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
The Lord and the Devil are always
trying to manipulate us like it's a
game they are playing.

HASHISH HENRY
But this seems more like a person
behind these peculiar goings on.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
What makes you think that?

HASHISH HENRY
I was at the bar, Ugly Grace's, and I
saw Lammy's sister, you know, the
girl that disappeared about a year
ago. Her name was Lula.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Lord, we pray that you forgive these
sinners! My man, Henry, were you
drunk when you thought you saw
that girl?

HASHISH HENRY
No. Not at all! I even talked to the
girl. I know it was her. But when I
left and got Lammy and returned,
Lula was gone and everyone denied
ever seeing her there. But they were
all lying for some reason!

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
Oh, the poor sinners!

HASHISH HENRY
So I think someone is behind all this,
and I am going to find out, but I may
need some help.

REV. JIMMY REPTILE
You can count on my prayers.

HASHISH HENRY
We may need more than just prayers
to investigate and solve this
mystery.

NERVOUS NORVIS
A mystery. Oh, that does make me
nervous! But I will help if I can.

FADE OUT:

Continue

Blood of the Lamb?

I was invited to church with Rev. Jimmy Reptile and Brittney the Devil Doll. I felt sort of funny the way they all kept looking at me and grinning. Especially Elizabeth Bathory, the blood countess and Nosferatu. Also at the service was Aubvey, the Dhole, and the janitor, Jesus Romirez. It was when they asked me to get on the alter while they all pulled out knives that I really got scared and ran from the place. They were singing something about the blood of the lamb!

Friendly Advice

I sat on the porch and felt sorry for myself after being a flop as a stripper at the Ravishing Woo Woo, when Rev. Jimmy Reptile and Friar Vincent Priestly came by and talked to me. They said it was Divine Intervention that Betty was better than I was. God did not want me to do such dirty things like dancing nude. They said I was the lamb of God and I had more important fish to fry.

Nice Time At Ugly Grace's

I met the girls at Ugly Grace's and we had a really nice time. I told them about finding out that my baby Lambkin was not a baby at all, but just a cloth puppet of Lamb Chop. The girls all just comforted me and said they all had very similar experiences.

Murry Magdalene said she had the delusion that a crucifix was her baby. And Flowering Kudzu said her first child turned out to be just a carton of cigarettes. She looked real good, by the way, after Dr. Schitz got her all back together again. He even gave Flowering Kudzu a whole new body this time, but warned her to stay away from Axe Man if she wanted to keep it.

Then Jimmy Reptile came in with all that praising the Lord stuff and he introduced us to his new assistant which was a Giant Mantis. Jimmy Reptile said we should be more like him and pray. The Giant Mantis just kept asking us if we have seen Buzzin and Buzzoff lately.

It was a very nice evening and I started back to my house, but then suddenly remembered that I had left that running guy who looked like Al Capone there. I wondered if he was still there.

Our Ship Was Destroyed

The Alien Guy's UFO space rocket ship thing was totally destroyed! It had been blown up before we got to it! Now he can't take me back to Earth from this stupid planet, Shiznit. I am so homesick! I want to go home!

I saw Rev. Jimmy Reptile, in all his naked glory, running from the wrecked ship and praising the lord. We think he did it. He blew up the only way I have of getting back home to Earth! That was a mean thing to do. It was even meaner than what the witch Enditall did to me when she turned my head into a lamb's head!

Why are those guys so mean to me. I haven't done anything bad to them! Why would they hate me so much? Why turn me into a freak with a sheep head and then destroying the only way I have to get back home? Those meanies!

I sat by the wreckage with the Alien Guy and his white dog, Icy, as Weird Al sang and Warren Jeffs kept proposing to me to be his eighty-first wife. We then saw the green headed Prof. Snewgflo coming our way. Maybe he knows another way that I can get back home!