Heshe Night At The Happy Wiener

Shyster Pettifogger took me to the Happy Wiener for Heshe night and we had so much fun. The Death Cheese Band was there and Cheesemeister's Uncle Jerry got on stage with them to perform in their girl costumes. He was dressed up as Marilyn Monroe. On stage with him in this little picture (It's twice as big if you click on it) are the Wannabes dressed as babies, Wolfie dressed as Wonder Woman, Axe Man as a Dallas Cheerleader and Smelt was decked out in a 50's look.

This was the most fun I have had in several months! I really enjoyed it and I really love Shyster Pettifogger even more than Axe Man, Hashish Henry or Harry Potter or even the mouthless girl Mary Jane. He is more of a man than any guy I have been with, or even Mary Jane, almost. Come to think of it, Mary Jane was pretty nice, but she was a girl. But she was the best lover. But Shyster was just about as good or maybe even better. Sometimes it's hard to make up my mind.

He Showed Me His Dresses

My lawyer, Shyster Pettifogger, was such a nice and fun person to be with. He was really funny, but I had to try and hold my snickers in because he would keep reminding me that he was serious. That just made it even more funny to me. I strained to hold my laughter in, but it would just spurt out my nose with the wine he gave me to drink. I just couldn't help it!

He took me to his friends photography studio where they were taking pictures of him in his dresses. Yes! He really did like to wear women's dresses. And then he would do some kind of act on the week-end at the Happy Wiener on Heshe Nite. That's when the guys all dress like women and get up and dance around on stage. He promised to take me there tomorrow.

But later in the night, after a lot more wine, we went to bed and he showed me that he was a great lover and very manly in that respect. Oh, remember that I am actually twenty-years-old. I lied on my profile and haven't had a chance to change it. But I look a lot younger for my age because of this lamb head. People say it makes me look cute and I am beginning to get used to it. I actually am beginning to like it. I'll be 21 on February 15 at one minute past midnight. I barely missed being a Valentine Baby. My birthday is the same as the Cheesemeister, but she is a whole lot older!

My Lawyer Got Me Out

My lawyer, Shyster Pettifogger, came and got me out of jail. He is such a funny guy. When he saw me, he said, "Put your pants on, the party's over!" I laughed and laughed at that guy.

I explained that I didn't have any other clothes and he said he would take me to his home. He had some nice dresses there. I asked him if his wife would mind, and he just said, "I'm not married, they're mine." I laughed and laughed at him. But then he said he was serious.

I quit laughing at him after that and we went to his house.

I Went To Jail

Even though the film director, King Smut, was said to be such a really nice guy, he seemed like a pure ass-hole to me! After I was clubbed on the head by Enditall the Witch I fell unconscious to the ground. King Smut was furious because he said I didn't fall on my mark, but how could I if I was knocked out cold? When I woke an got really mad because he fired me, he called the law and had me arrested for disturbing his first amendment rights.

Officer Sexxi stuck me in a jail cell with Jose Luis Rubi-Nava, a guy from Mexico who was living in Colorado. I protested and said I didn't think it was proper to stick a woman in the same cell with a man, but Officer Sexxi just smiled and said he was such a "nice guy." I asked him why he was in jail, and he said he got pissed at his girlfriend and tied a rope around her neck and drug her for over a mile. Officer Sexxi caught him by following the bloody trail.

I just smiled at him and said that I guess even nice guys get a little upset now and then. But I felt very uncomfortable and nervous. Apparently Officer Sexxi had some anger against my sister for the picture she posted on her blog, even though she got her mixed up with her cousin, Sexy Sadie. Officer Sexxi just laughed and said, "Revenge is best served cold." I don't understand what that means.

Let's Make A Movie

The Alien Guy said he had to go back to Shiznit because he was about out of gas for his space ship, but I wanted to stay here and go look for my sister, Lula. When I got out on the beach, I then realized that I might have been wrong about this being in the future.

Actually, it was all just part of a movie set that King Smut was using to film his flick. He seemed to dislike me when I walked up to him, but he told me I could be in his film. Come to find out, he was a real prick, I mean he was really picky as a director and talked hateful to the staff and cast. So most of them quit, not being able to stand his ill temper.

He said he was pretty desperate to find actors who would work for him, which seemed obvious when I noticed he was using Enditall the Witch. He instructed me to stand and look around like I was lost and looking for something.

That's when it hit me. Enditall's sword, I mean. She came up behind me and clubbed me on the head with her heavy blunt prop. After that, things began to get blurry and seemed to spin around.

FADE TO BLACK.

Time Travel To The Future

The Alien Guy saved me from the sharks in the ocean. He had come to show me his new ufo space ship. It was really nice. Then he landed on the beach to let his white dog, Icy, go out and take a crap, and that is when I looked out. Oh no!

I suddenly realized that Prof. Snewgflo's time machine did work! But it didn't take me back in time as I had wanted, but instead took me into the future!

We Are Not Alone -- That's For Sure!

I thought I was alone out there, but I then discovered that we are never alone at all! There's always something and someone around wanting to hurt you and help you.

We're Never Really Alone

I didn't like being alone out in the middle of the ocean and wished for some company. Then I had lots of company! I was not really alone! I suddenly realized what they meant when they said to be careful of what you wish for. I got my wish, but they were sharks! I was now hoping that they were man-eating sharks, and not woman-eating sharks. Or mutton lovers.

Loneliness

When I finally came up to the surface, I found that I was all alone in the middle of the ocean. It sure felt lonely out there. Not at all like feeling lonely in a crowd, but feeling lonely when really being alone. I realized that there is nothing that makes you feel more lonely than being alone. And I was alone out there. And I sure felt lonely!

The Banana Dhole

I ran through the slimy sewer of the Netherworld toward the shadowy figure, and sure enough, it was my sister Lula! I was ecstatic and overfilled with joy to have found her. But in an instant up bobbed a Dhole that looked like a banana on Viagra! It was between Lula and me, acting like it was protecting her by keeping me away.

That frustrating Dhole had to go! I wasn't about to allow it to keep me away from her. Nothing was going to keep me away from my long lost sister! I was determined to reach her and not even a phallic banana Dhole could stop me. So I thought.

But guess I thought wrong. I tried to push it aside, but slipped on it's peel and splashed into the sewage and sank like a rock. I could feel an under-current whisking me away like being on a slide. I thrashed and flailed my arms, but to no avail.

Through the darkish sludge I could see her figure growing smaller as I was being carried further and further away. As usual, my cup runnith over with shit.

The Girl In The Sewer

As I walked through the slime in the halls of the underworld sewer of the Netherworld, I beheld the obscure figure of a girl in the distance. She seemed familiar. Very familiar. She seemed family. Could it be true, that this is where my sister has vanished to? Or is this where she has been vanquished to? Had I been diverted from my primary mission?

My goal was to find what happened to my sister, Lula. She mysteriously vanished last January. I started this blog in an effort to gather clues and hopefully find where she has gone. But I seem to have lost my way along the journey, especially when Enditall the witch put the curse on me to change my head into a lamb head. Was that her intention?

Did Enditall curse me to confuse me and misdirect my goals? Is that the true reason Enditall the witch did this to me? Perhaps Enditall knows Lula and is protecting her. Or maybe she is protecting me by hiding the truth from me. Could this woman in the sewer be my sister, Lula?

Has my sister become a sewer rat in the sewer of the Netherworld?

Into The Sewer!

I suddenly realized I had been tricked! This was not a time machine at all as Prof. Snewgflo had said. It actually was a toilet. A rather large toilet, but a toilet none the less. And I was being flushed down the tubes into the sewer of the Netherworld!

I realized what was happening when I saw Gary the Ghoul in his new form swimming down there. He seemed quite contented as he kept yelling, "Weeee! Golden bath! Golden bath!"

Why do people want to do bad things to me? I didn't do anything bad or to make Prof. Snewgflo mad, so why would he want to flush me down the toilet? And I didn't do anything to Enditall the witch to cause her to curse me and turn my head into a lamb head. What's the deal here? I'm beginning to feel paranoid!

Time or Water?

I leaped into the time machine with a splash. It was water. But nice. It was like being in a relaxing hot tub. I began to feel myself swirling around in the water, and for a moment I felt as if I was in a toilet that was being flushed. And yes, that made me have to pee! But I wasn't sure if I should let go and pee while in the swirling hot tub which was taking me back in time.

A time Machine

Sure enough, Prof. Snewgflo had an invention at his place. It was a time portal. I asked him what would happen if I went back through time to before my head was turned into a lamb head. Would I then have my regular or normal head back?

The professor just shook his head and said he didn't know because he has never tested his invention. Oh! Now I get it!

Prof. Snewgflo wants me to try it out for him to see if it works. I knew it was too good to be true. Or at least there was some 'catch' to it! So many more questions came to mind. What if... Heck. There were too many questions to write down here.

But I am pretty game. I'll try anything once. And once might be all there will be with this crazy looking thing.

He told me to just jump in and see. Jump in and find out. So, what the heck! I jumped in!

Listen to Audio mp3

Met An Old Friend

I saw Prof. Snewgflo and shared some Mad Dog 20/20 wine with him. He asked me to come home with him. He seemed pretty excited about it and that made me wonder about him. What were his true motives?

He assured me that he had honorable intentions. He said he has a new invention that I would really be interested in. Yeah! I bet! That was an old line. I mean, I just thought about how many men said that to me just to get me to go home with them and get me in bed. Well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that no one has ever used that line on me.

Besides, the green professor had made me curious. So I figured I would go with him just to find out if he really did have something. Curiosity killed the cat, they say. But what about sheep? Maybe he had something to get rid of this lamb head that I am cursed with!

Cheesemeister Has Strange Fashion & Friends

When I came back from the rest room, Norvis was gone! I looked outside to see where he had gone, but then I saw Cheesemeister sporting her flashing parachute pants and Nosferatu.

Golden Shower

I was having a really good time with Norvis, but had to pee. So I went into the rest room and there I saw Lyanne Sakks giving Gary the Ghoul a golden shower!

A Nice Lunch With A Nice Guy

After fully awakening and getting my senses together, I met a really sweet guy called Nervous Norvis. He had slipped away from his caretaker and doctor, Dr. Shitz. But I felt sorry for him because I felt he was actually being held as a prisoner to be experimented upon by the fecal face maniac who was a combination doctor and mad scientist.

We went to the quaint and curious little luncheonette called Steak Through the Heart where we had an unusual tasting but tasty dinner. The cook was a jolly jovial and humorous character that made us laugh a lot and that seemed to relax Norvis, but made me a bit nervous.

The cook, Rotten Ralph, kept staring at my lamb head in a very odd manner. When I asked him, "What's the matter?" he would just reply, "Oh, mutton honey. I mean nothing honey." That is what made me feel uneasy. But Norvis seemed happy, and that was what was important to me.

I Woke From My Dream

And I began to wake up. And I woke up. I know for sure I was awake this time because I had that awful taste in my mouth, like dragon breath. And I was hearing some really bad, and I mean terrible music! The music in a dream is always nice. But this wasn't nice. So I knew I had awaken.

Then I saw that I was in front of Ugly Grace's. That is where the music was coming from. It was the Death Cheese Band! That's why the music was so bad! That was great! They are so good because they are so bad! I was just glad to be awake again!

Dream Becomes A Nightmare

As my dream continued, I found myself on an airplane flying low. The dream was becoming a nightmare. Oh, how I wish I could wake up from this bad dream!

I Went To The Store

This dream was just too much for me, so I ran to the store to get me some Mad Dog 20/20 wine, the really cheap stuff! But working behind the counter was Monster Mona and Enditall the witch, who turned my head into a lamb's head.

Enditall just kept pointing at me and laughing that wicked witch laugh. I asked where Hashish Henry the Sandwich Head Man was, but they just stared at me and laughed, making me cry. So I ran out. Besides, I had to pee.

The Dream Made Me Feel Strange

As I dreamed, I became a sheepdog insect thing. I couldn't figure which was the weirdest: this dream, the Netherworld or real life! I think real life is the strangest of all.

A Dream Began

I began dreaming inside this dream called the Netherworld. I was dreaming that I was dreaming. And I felt life was but a dream, so I was having a dream within a dream within a dream. And Cheesemeister was the Grandmeister.

Rest

I felt myself being transformed in form and illuminated brightly in the brightness of illusionary delight that darkened with a conscious termination of a grave of sleep for this tired little shepherdless sheep.

Run Lammy Run!

I ran out of the Happy Wiener and into the Netherworld. I don't know exactly why. I don't know what I was running from. I don't know where I was running to. I just felt like running! So I ran. And I ran. And I ran some more.

The Comedy of Drama

Again I was frustrated in love. And it is coming all too sudden, ups and downs, delight and disappointment, great expectations and low realizations, happiness turning to sadness -- all happening like a strobe light at a disco. It makes me feel emotionally bipolar, like being on a simultaneously spinning and tumbling scrambler ride at an amusement park. Yes, Peter Piper was no dream guy.

As I froth at the mouth upon seeing him and approaching his goatish form, the little guy, Tom Thumb, leaped upon his knee in a protective posture with threatening gesticulations. His defiant countenance, with eyes that could shoot bullets, dispelled any aggressive notions as I began to feel defensive and unsure of myself. And the wiener dog growled.

Peter Piper showed no outward signs, but only sat there and blew air over his pipe instrument making solemn sounds like an eerie wind through the trees on a dark and lonely insomnia-filled moonless night with no perchance to even dream, but only to face the certainty of uncertainty in this embarrassingly awkward situation. I stepped back then forward nervously like a car maneuvering from a parking space.

Peter Piper remained comatose as he slowly whistled monotone notes looking neither at me nor Tom Thumb. Tears pooled and blurred my vision as I felt unable to continue this emotional roller-coaster scenario. Air burst from my mouth in despair followed by my legs carrying me in a sprint from the Happy Wiener further into the depths and shadows of the Netherworld.

Peter Piper and Tom Thumb are characters from the Cheesemeister's blog.

Then I Saw My TRUE LOVE!

I looked around and when I saw Peter Piper I forgot all about what's his name, the Iranian Nukie. I just couldn't take my eyes off of the beautiful guy with the goat horns and hooves and hairy legs! I knew right then he was the guy for me! Forget Axe Man, Sandwich Head Guy, and even Harry! Peter Piper was the One and Only for me! I was immediately madly in love! It felt as if it was the very first time! I felt Like A Virgin!

The Happy Wiener

I ran over to the Happy Wiener to see what that place was like. I was looking for Tron, the dancer that Cheesemeister was talking about, but when I got there, I saw Fvyge al Zrutqy also known as the Iranian Nukie. I had a plutonium proton moment after drinking some of his cooling water. I even got up on stage and danced with him. I think that pissed Tron off, but I was having a real atomic blast with Nukie!

My First Impression of the Netherworld

I am kind of anxious to get out and see what this Netherworld is like. I have a feeling it might be similar as to how I felt about the planet Shiznit: nice place to visit, but wouldn't want to live there. Axe Man will be busy with his band, The Death Cheese, so I'll have to find or make another friend down here to show me around. I guess you'd call it down here, or over here or around here. Something like that.

The Netherworld is commonly thought of as a place for the dead and evil similar to hell, but it doesn't seem to be like Heaven or Hell or Purgatory or Limbo or Bardo or Nirvana or anything exactly like them. It's more of a twilight zone between life and otherwise. I mean, not only dead people, but undead and yetborn souls as well as sometimes living people's souls when the body is dreaming or in a coma or as such. It seems to be a place where souls can slip off to and visit or congregate with others from time to time. But it's true that it seems to be full of really strange and weird creatures. And there isn't any moral criteria so no one is judged as good or evil -- just dead, undead, yetborn or dreaming souls.

Because there is no value or moral standards or criteria here, infamous souls can walk and mingle with saintly ones. Hitler can face Mother Teresa on an equal footing. And since there are also no physical laws binding here, souls of Alfred Packard the cannibal serial killer can do his thing without consequence and his victims will be unscathed yetwise. Even Bugs Bunny or Fritz the Cat and fictional characters such as Fagan or James Bond rank equal with Al Capone or JFK. But they're not all here and many never come by. It's just a vacation spot with no temporal, spacial or existential perimeter. So math gets skewed on a very peculiar curve.

This is all just my own personal observations and opinions about the place so far. I have only been here a day or so and will have to check it out in more detail as I make new friends. Of course, so far I have been only with Axe Man of Death Cheese as we were sexagerating our relationship. But something seems wrong because it just is not as satisfying as back in what they call the real world.

It's like when Alfred Packard eats someone, and then it is as if nothing had happened. After I have sex with Axe Man, suddenly I feel as if nothing has happened and I ask, "Is that all there is?" It's all just immediate gratification with no sequential-satisfaction. Like eating air.

I think this unfulfilled effect is beginning to influence my feelings about the Axe Man. I can already sense our relationship is beginning to wane. The excitement and thrill has ebbed and the tide is going out. There just seems to be an low feeling after high expectations.

It appears as if all this is some kind of bizarre fantasy, but when you are on this side looking yonward back, the living world begins to be some kind of fantasy itself with rules, laws and values. What I considered as reality now impresses me as merely thinking inside a box.

Love On Stage

It was so wonderful being with Axe Man again that we made a pallet and made love right there on the stage. Then we slept on the stage and made love more and slept and made love all night and all the next day! Now that's a nice weekend!

I Was Back With Axe Man!

I dove into the Dhole hole and tumbled like a swallowed pill, twisting and tumbling, distorting time and space, confusing fantasy and reality while exploding and scattering the numbers of our mathematical structural existence like the bouncing balls in the lottery machine. Everything blurred as I felt myself ghost dancing to some really really bad music. I was having a proton moment!

A mechanical voice as if on an echoing P.A. system in very slow motion seemed to be saying, "Next stop, Netherworld." My body was vibrating like a Jello Slinky in an earthquake as the music was so loud and deliciously atrocious, marvelously macabre, joyously revolting that my ears, nose and ass were squirting blood, snot and shit. Everything was spinning like the display of a slot machine, and slowly slid to an abrupt stop.

I then realized I was standing onstage with the Death Cheese band! Wolfie howled and Axe Man hugged me, squeezed me, kissed me like sucking the final toke. It was such horrific ecstasy that I felt I was in a hellish heaven!