Mystic Xenia Gives Advice

Hunky Dory goes to Mystic Xenia for advice about Lammy.

One Hour To Live

I went to Mystic Xenia to see if she could see my future. She just looked at her crystal ball and shook her head, not saying a word. I kept asking what was wrong. Was that thing out of batteries or going on the blink? A tear formed in her eye as she looked off in the distance and just spoke very low. So low I couldn't understand what she was saying, so I kept asking her what she said. She finally got tired of me asking her that, so she yelled out at me that I was going to die in one hour.

An hour! What should I do? Only one hour to live! Maybe, I thought, I should run down to Ugly Grace's and get drunk. But an hour isn't long enough. I'd just begin to feel it when I'd have to stop and go to hell where all the alcohol would be evaporated and I'd have an eternal hangover.

Then I thought I should go out and have some good sex. But an hour wouldn't even be long enough to get through the dinner with all the ruminating and masticating that I like to do. Well, isn't dinner part of foreplay?

Maybe I should do like those old men who invest their money in stocks and such so they will be rich when they die. But an hour isn't long enough to get rich. And what good is all that money after I am dead? Oh, well.

Maybe I should write a novel real quick so I can be remembered post-humorously. Shit! I don't think that is the right word. Sort of like if I paint a cool picture and put strange symbols in it that will make people stare at it and try to figure what it means for hundreds of years after I'm gone, like the Di Vinci code thing.

Or maybe I should write a last post and tell each of my friends how they should change to have a better life. But what do I know? They could just use my life as an example of what 'not' to do.

I was so confused and flustered that I didn't know what to do! Then I looked out the window and saw Mystic Xenia, Sigmund Fraud, Rev. Reptile and Pansi and others all laughing their butts off at me. I asked them what was so funny and they said they were just playing a prank on me to teach me a lesson about life and conduct an experiment to see what I would do if I thought I was going to die.

What's It All Mean?

While I was resting, I kept smelling something and when I jumped up I got all dizzy and it looked like I was in the middle of French Fries. And then I saw Mystic Xenia with her crystal ball. She must have gotten it fixed after we dropped it. This all puzzled me. What does it mean? I think it means that I am hungry. Or most likely that I need a rest. A long rest.

The Crystal Ball

I just couldn't decide if I should go through the door or not, so I asked Mystic Xenia to look into her crystal ball. I think her real name is Lipshits because of the way her breath smells, but I stayed way back from her. She just mumbled and shook her ball and said all she was getting was static or bad reception or something like that. I got impatient and told her to give me the ball and then I grabbed it and tried to take it out of her hands. We wrestled and tugged over the crystal ball until it slipped and fell to the floor!

Sudden Changes

All that excitement made me have to pee, but before I could go back in the bushes, there was a sudden change. Everything around me changed! I was outside on the path and then the next second I was in an empty room. And when I was on the path, there was Gogo with her metal ball, but in the room it was Mystic Xenia with a crystal ball. What's with these girls playing with balls?