Turkey Day

I had my Turkey behind Ugly Grace's bar and grill with another turkey, Arsewipe. Buzzin was there checking out the dumpsters and Lyanne Sakks gave the Axolotl a golden shower. I was very thankful that no one saw us!

Screenplay - SCENE 39

39 INT. DR. SCHITZ LAB - DAY

Henry and Axe Man look at the machine.

AXE MAN
What?

HASHISH HENRY
It's the machine Lammy is trapped
in. We just have a few seconds to
get her out.

AXE MAN
Lammy? There?

HASHISH HENRY
Yes. We have to turn it off, quick!

AXE MAN
Off?

HASHISH HENRY
So Lammy can get out, or she'll be
stuck there, forever!

AXE MAN
Lammy? Out?

HASHISH HENRY
Hit the damn thing with that ax,
dumb ass!

Axe Man swings the ax, but the machine is metal and
doesn't even dent.

LOUD CLANG.

Axe Man vibrates and falls back.

MICKEY RAT
Can I assist you gentlemen's?

HASHISH HENRY
Huh? Who said that?

MICKEY RAT
Down here. you's needs help?

HASHISH HENRY
A rat!

MICKEY RAT
Yeah, yeah. Okay. What's the
problem?

HASHISH HENRY
We have to turn this thing off to save
my girl!

MICKEY RAT
What's in it for me?

HASHISH HENRY
We only have a couple seconds or
Lammy and Axolotl will be trapped in
there forever!

MICKEY RAT
Axolotl? That's my buddy!

Mickey Rat scampers over to the cord and struggles
with it until he finally jerks it out of the wall socket.

The machine stops.

HASHISH HENRY
Ah. That was simple. Why didn't I
think of that?

MICKEY RAT
That's 'cause I'm so short. I means,
you's could of just hit the off button,
up there's.

Lammy climbs out of the Machine and Henry helps
her down and they hug and kiss.

Axolotl comes out and Mickey Rat scampers up and
hugs him and they SQUEAL.

AXE MAN
Lammy. Mine!

Axe Man leaps up and raises his ax to strike Henry.

LAMMY
No, Axe. Don't.

She goes over and kisses him.

AXE MAN
Lammy. Good Ass.

LAMMY
You and Henry have to help me save
my baby! Think you can be a good
boy and work with him for a while?

AXE MAN
Baby? Mine?

LAMMY
I don't know. Could be. But you two
have to work together and help me.
Do you understand that?

AXE MAN
Work? Axe Man work?

LAMMY
I mean be like friends and help me.
Do you know what I mean? Partners.
Like when you play with others in
the band? If you want to call it that.

AXE MAN
Axe Man. Play.

HASHISH HENRY
Friends?

Axe Man and Henry stare at each other. Then they
finally reach out their hands and shake.

AXE MAN
Friends. Help Lammy.

SOUND OF APPLAUSE.

Reptile, Murry, Norvis, Kudzu and Sexxi are all
standing at the door watching and clapping.

Continue

Shape Shifting Salamander

I really had to pee really bad and there really was no bathroom in that room, really! But then I saw that Golden Shower loving little salamander named Gary the Axolotl. He wobbled up to me with those big buggy sad eyes and that is when I learned a secret about him! He is a shape shifter! And he turned into a toilet for me. What a nice guy. Or thing. I'm not sure, really.

Things Are Back To Abnormal Again

Queen Hel and Thor and those other goddy guys changed the Netherworld back to the way it was! And I'm back to my old self again!

Read how it happened HERE

I Hate Making Decisions

Arsewipe led me to the entrance to the sewer. That's where I had escaped from! I couldn't make up my mind if I should go back in there or not. Then the Spooky Gal appeared and began telling me I shouldn't go in there. Arsewipe couldn't see her and kept asking me who I was talking to.

I asked the Spooky Gal where she had been and she said she had to go back for a class and a test to renew her Guardian Angel license. Now she is fully certified for another three years and can help me. I need help because I just can't make a decision. I hate to do that.

Arsewipe got pretty nasty because he couldn't see the Spooky Gal and thought I was nuts or something. She kept telling me not to go. He grabbed my hand and tried to pull me into the sewer with him, but Spooky Gal grabbed my other hand and pulled me back. It was a tug of war, just like every time I have to make a decision.

Finally Arsewipe got really mad and told me to just get lost. He and Axolotl went on into the sewer. I ran away with Spooky Gal and my white dog.

I Finally Met Arsewipe

I was so full of coffee that I really had to pee, really bad! My eyeballs were turning yellow and I could hear sloshing sounds in my ears. So I ran out back of Ugly Grace's to relieve the pressure and who do you think I saw out there? It was that guy from the reality show, Arsewipe! He really turned me on because I thought he was cute, but I didn't want to pee in front of him because I hadn't been to bed with him yet. And he wouldn't leave or turn around. I thought I was going to piss my pants!

He told me he'd like to have me on his TV show and I told him that I had never pissed on TV before. Then Gary the Axolotl came up and wanted me to pee on him to give him a golden shower. Arsewipe got excited and said he'd like to see that. Those guys!

So finally I agreed to pee on Gary the Axolotl on Arsewipe's TV reality show. But how real is peeing on a salamander?

Short Romance With Smelte

The party at the Netherworld Hotel was a real rave, but Smelte and I left early so he could show me some of his other friends. He took me down to Davy Jones Locker where he and the Death Cheese had played before.

But when we got there, who do you think we ran into? That cold clammy salamander Gary the Axolotl, and he just couldn't keep his mouth shut about us spending the night together a while back. That was embarrassing for me. Why can't those guys just keep their mouths shut. They think they have to tell everything! It must make them feel virile. But in fact, Gary was a limp shrimp!

That pissed Smelte off and things began to go downhill for our new romance right away.

Then Smelte introduced me to Davy Jones. And he was a real curmudgeon. As a matter of fact, he was the roof contractor that hired and fired me. And he just kept going on what a lazy, no good, goldbricker I was. That was embarrassing to me. And it pissed Smelte off even more. And our romance went from downhill to hitting bottom real fast.

Smelt then took me back to land and dropped me off at Ugly Grace's and told me we were through, done, finished. The romance was over!

It took me a while to get my land legs back, but I lost them after I had several bottles of cheap wine.

The Lonely Lane Leads Us Astray

I kept trying to get Peter Piper to pay attention to me, but he spent all his time with our baby Lambkin. I got so lonely that it hurt! Next thing I remember is being in a bed with Gary the Axolotl and a bottle of cheap wine. What the hell! How in the world could I end up in bed with that cold clammy salamander? It gave me the creeps just to touch him!

Loneliness does strange things to us and makes us do strange things, but this, by far, is the strangest! Eeeewwwweeee!